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Thursday, September 17, 2009

Day 2: a peak at my neurosis

Geez, day 2 and I almost decided to just scrap the whole thing. When did blogging get so hard? Okay, it's not, I'm just tired (when am I not?).

I had this whole post planned out in my head, about competitiveness and how I've realized that I've become insanely competitive, mainly having to do with this being the first time in my life I'm not 100% sure I can compete with the people I'm trying to impress.

Actually I don't even know if "competitive" is the right word. Maybe I should call it a feeling of abject terror at the thought of failing. Like to the point where when I realize I haven't done something up to expectations my palms start to sweat and I feel like I'm going to throw up. Yes, really.

Then I realized, I don't have much else to say about the topic beyond that. That I have developed this unhealthy obsession to succeed at something and sometimes I don't even know why. Actually I do know why - because I want to be the best, dammit, and I'm not sure I can be and just thinking that thought makes me twitch.

Confession: Sometimes at work I have to stop what I'm doing for a moment and type out the lyrics to a praise song. It's the only way to calm myself down when I'm on the brink of totally flipping out (in my head only, of course) over some perceived colossal failure that (hopefully) is just a small oops in reality. It helps me remind myself that God doesn't care about any of the stuff that's stressing me out, so ultimately why should I?

Do I sound totally neurotic yet? Yes? I thought so.

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wingless was still breathing at 7:27 PM -

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