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Monday, August 31, 2009


I signed onto AIM for a few moments just now and was totally overwhelmed. How the hell did I used to remember all those screen names of people who's actual names aren't in their sn?

I used to spend my life on AIM.

I feel like an old lady.

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wingless was still breathing at 3:18 PM - 0 comments

a case of the mondays

Let's not stray away from the theme that I've created here these last few weeks months (years?). Pardon me if you're sick of this topic as I know I am and yet I keep coming back to it. Because I have mental problems, clearly.

My job is killing me. You can only do the same thing so many times before it starts to grate at your VERY SOUL. Okay, maybe I am being a bit melodramatic, but certain things are seriously starting to drive me nuts. Like people who are stupid. And apparently stupid people make up a large portion of the population. Very disappointing.

I'm sure it's like this at any job right? There are always those people who never quite understand, can never quite remember, who can never seem to quite put it all together. It kills me that I'm so close to all these brilliant people (the people I work for) and yet I never have the time to pick their brains because well...let's not get into that...I am complaining about my job but I also really like having one.

I understand that working in operations is important, that without smoothly running operations it is impossible to run a functioning firm. But please, dear God, can it be my turn to get promoted into a part of the firm where I'll actually get to use my brain on a regular basis? I need to shake off these cobwebs already.

How many times can I break till I shatter?
Over the line can't define what I'm after
I always turn the car around
All that I feel is the realness I'm faking
Taking my time but it's time that I'm wasting
Always turn the car around


wingless was still breathing at 3:02 PM - 0 comments

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

hurts so good

Have you ever loved something you knew probably wasn't good for you? Like it was everything you ever wanted and yet in some sick twisted way that was exactly why it was so wrong for you?

Sometimes I feel that way.

No, not about Paul. He is so good for me it is really unbelievable I ended up with him in light of my penchant for choosing things that are bad for me.

I am talking about my job.

Which despite all my bitching and moaning, I do love. Okay, that's not exactly true. I love the industry and I'm hoping that after I pay my dues I will be moved into the position I really want. That's the goal anyway, we'll see if it comes to fruition.

But sometimes, I wonder. I wonder if I'm doing the right thing or if I love this industry precisely because it feeds into everything bad about myself. Things I should be trying to change about myself, not nurture. Namely, being impatient is a necessary evil because things are moving at breakneck speed so if you're not impatient, if you're not asking people to do things five minutes ago, you're probably not getting your job done. I am probably one of the most impatient people I know and I've always hated it about myself but it's almost become a virtue for me now at work. And being impatient ten hours a day can't help but spill over into the rest of your life (is there a rest of your life when you're spending more of your waking hours in the office than doing everything else combined?).

Anyway, I'm not really thinking about making any changes. Just thinking out loud. I can't and don't want to imagine doing anything else career-wise. I think I just need to find better ways to unwind myself after work. Which is why I ended up getting this after all. Maybe it's just wishful thinking but I think it's going to help me sleep at night.


wingless was still breathing at 3:21 PM - 0 comments

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

do you feel lucky?

We've been playing the lottery over here. It's up to $262 million. I love that feeling before the drawing when anything can happen and you fantasize that maybe this will be your lucky night. I know that winning the lottery has its pitfalls and yadda yadda ya, but it's a great feeling isn't it? To feel like your life might change in the next few minutes?


wingless was still breathing at 6:53 PM - 0 comments

Monday, August 24, 2009

the quiet scares me cause it screams the truth

Sometimes I wonder if my recent mood has less to do with my life and more to do with sleep. Specifically, the fact that I am not getting nearly enough of it.

Actually, that's not true. Technically, I'm getting plenty of sleep. I'm probably averaging seven hours a night, which I know, is probably more sleep than you get (whoever you may be). But the quality of that sleep? Not good. I have lots of dreams. I usually wake up every three hours for no apparent reason, get up to pee because I'm up anyway before slowly drifting back to sleep.

Also, I have a confession to make. I'm totally addicted to Am*bien. I don't take it every day because I know you're not supposed to, but hot damn, if I could I would. I love how it knocks me out and I tend not to wake up in the middle of the night when I take it. But at the same time, I wonder if the sleep I'm getting is quality since I'm always tired nowadays and just don't feel right. Whatever "right" is supposed to be.

I'm thinking of purchasing a digital piano for myself, 88 weighted keys, the whole shibang. I'm thinking that with the stress of life (i.e. my job) I need some sort of emotional outlet so that I can settle down my mind before bed. I haven't lived with a piano in about ten years and at my parents house this weekend I realized I'm sort of forgetting how to read music which is scary because man I put a lot of years into learning that crap. So if I can figure out where the hell to cram in a digital piano into our tiny, overstuffed studio, I think I'm going to go for it.

Yet another distraction from studying for the CFA. Just what I need.

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wingless was still breathing at 4:27 PM - 0 comments

Sunday, August 23, 2009

in the sun - joseph arthur

I picture you in the sun
What went wrong
And falling down on your knees
Asking for sympathy
And being caught in between
All you wish for and all you seen
And trying to find anything
You can feel
That you can believe in

May God's love be with you
May God's love be with you

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wingless was still breathing at 9:15 PM - 0 comments

Thursday, August 13, 2009

example #3582975325 why unions suck

Only when there is a union involved will relatively highly paid, unskilled workers go on a strike in the middle of an economic downturn. According to this 2005 article, BART station agents and train operators earn an average of $62,774 in wages and $29,412 in benefits, for a total of $92,156. And this was in 2005 so it must be even more now.

Anyone who's ridden BART before can tell you exactly how much skill it takes to be a station agent...none. They literally sit in their booths and you know to be honest, they aren't even there half the time! Most of the time those booths are empty and the station agent is probably off having a cigarette or taking an extended lunch or God only knows what else.

I can't say I know what it takes to be a train operator but I imagine using the word "drive" is an overstatement of what they actually do. It's probably more along the lines of "pulling a lever" or "pushing a button" or something equally as difficult.

I do know that there are a lot of people out of work right now in the Bay Area who would probably love to make even half of what those BART workers are currently making (plus benefits!) and that even with 72 hours notice, the BART workers/unions aren't going to turn public opinion in their favor. A lot of people are taking paycuts right now and don't have much sympathy for people who are whining about pay freezes and are pretty much screwing over the 340,000 people who rely on them to get to their own jobs every day.

What will it take to get all these losers fired and get some people who actually WANT to work in there?

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wingless was still breathing at 4:51 PM - 0 comments

Saturday, August 08, 2009


I know that this is not a very sensitive thing to say and that people blog to fulfill their own needs, whatever. But dude. Do you have to post pictures of your stillborn/miscarried babies...clearly born long before viability? I know they may be beautiful to you, but can you at least not put it on your main page where an unsuspecting visitor is forced to look at them and feel very sick to their stomach with absolutely no warning whatsoever before they can x out of your site? I understand that it may help you somehow to post these pictures but...come on...link to the pictures with some kind of warning please.


wingless was still breathing at 10:43 PM - 0 comments

long day

Is it really August already? Really?

I've felt like crap all day today. Too much to drink last night + period cramps starting first thing in the morning = all bad.

I don't think I feel very good about myself or my life right now. Whenever I'm hit by a wave of this self-loathing I have this inner dialogue with myself where I tell myself tomorrow will be better and I will be a better person tomorrow. I will make myself be better somehow. I will be kinder, more thoughtful, less bitter and angry. Yadda yadda. Inevitably, I fail.

I have to stop letting every little thing stress me out. I have to quit being so inside my own head. Over-analyzing every little thing. Second-guessing every word out of my mouth. I'm twenty-seven years old, when am I going to get comfortable in my own skin?

How will it suddenly happen after a lifetime of the opposite? How ironic that I am in sales and sometimes all I want to do is hide in a dark corner where I don't have to face anyone. Because sometimes I just hate myself that much.

And I'm so terrified of no one else but me
And I'm here all the time
So I won't go away
Well it's me, yeah well I can't get myself to go away
Yeah it's me, yeah well I can't get myself to go away
Oh God I shouldn't feel this way no

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wingless was still breathing at 9:13 PM - 0 comments

Thursday, August 06, 2009

It is August. When did this happen? Time keeps going by. I pray and hope that there is a solution in all of this. But I don't know. I just want to believe that I can move past.

wingless was still breathing at 8:11 PM - 0 comments

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