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"Being too charming was never one of my faults." - Kill Me Later
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yes we can?
Two months. I have two months until I take my big test in December. Can I be honest with you for a minute? I have not studied in weeks. I am so unprepared for this test that pretty soon I will be having panic attacks and nightmares where I show up for finals and I haven't studied all semester. And I'm naked. I have always been one to rely on procrastination and my God-given ability to cram a lot of facts into my brain in a short period of time but somehow I feel this time that just may not work. Which is terrifying. This would literally be the first time in my life that I did not excel at a standardized test, much less not even pass it. And I am scared I won't. Pass. (It is scary to just write those words). Even with all of this fear, I'm not sure I have the motivation to come home from ten hours of work every day to study for another 6-10 hours. Because at this point that is what it's going to take. Hopefully imaginary people taunting me and the sad stench of failure will get my butt in gear. Come on, I can finish a book a week for the next two months. Yes I can! Labels: CFA
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Last night one of my coworkers from the NY office was killed crossing the street. Yesterday I could have called her and asked her to walk me through something (like she had so many times before) and today I could not. It's a cliche, but damn, life is short. Today I got an email from the managing director's assistant. She wanted to know if I'm free to meet with the hiring manager for another group in our office. Gulp. It would be a step up, but I'm not sure it's the direction I wanted to go in. Of course, we don't always get exactly what we want and would be a good move for me career-wise. And I have been telling anyone who would listen that I want a change, any change, that would get me out of ops and into the business side of things. And I know the MD has been pulling strings for me. So I I'm just never happy am I? I'm trying to leave it with God. Trying to hold onto that song I used to love as a kid. I cast all my cares upon You It's funny how as we get older we become more and more aware of how little control any of us have over anything (when you're little you think your parents control everything). And yet as we get older the harder it is to let go of the perception that you have control over everything. Labels: Death, navel gazing, the grind
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Oh my God I am tired. I am getting sick. The cat is sick, diarrhea, wheezing, her first time being sick =( And I am exhausted. I used to have no qualms about staying home sick. That was Before. Before I became all hyper-competitive-I-have-to-prove-myself-ambitious. I am not deathly ill, but something is definitely brewing and before I would have been okay with staying home and allowing myself to heal before heading back to work. Now? I don't know. I took two days off a couple months ago when I was having those strange chest pains that (luckily) never turned into anything. Maybe I'm hypersensitive to these things because of my past health issues, but I pretty much do everything I can to show people how I don't have health problems and am every bit as capable of working every bit as hard as everyone else. It's kind of a sore spot for me. In other news, I haven't had my toenails cut in two months. Hmm... Labels: 7 posts in 7 days, i don't feel so good, the grind
Monday, September 21, 2009
Since I've been at my current job I've developed this verbal tic. Most of my day consists of doing what other people don't want or don't have time to do. Obviously that sucks on many levels but on the flip side I have people saying "thank you" to me all day long. Just for doing my job. And sometimes I get free food. That part definitely doesn't suck. Anyway, in response to the constant "thank you's" I tend to reply with "no problem" and I find myself saying this a lot. Sometimes I catch myself and will try to say "your welcome" or "anytime" but "no problem" has become almost a reflexive response to "thank you" for me. It's probably just navel gazing on my part, but I often wonder if my superiors have noticed this and if it bothers them. When I analyze the response "no problem" I realize it is could be almost dismissive of thanks, as if to say, "eh whatever." Which, of course, is not how I mean it. As usual, I am probably worried over something no one else gives a thought to (I am more important in my own mind than in reality), but still it has gotten to a point where it bothers me so I am going to make a conscious effort to say "you're welcome" from now on. Labels: 7 posts in 7 days, navel gazing, the grind
Sunday, September 20, 2009
Why is this harder on the weekends? The only thing I can think to talk about is my cat, and, well no. I'm not going to do that (again). Labels: 7 posts in 7 days
Saturday, September 19, 2009
"I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired." That is from the "Random Thoughts" email that you might or might not have seen going around recently. All of them are funny and true, but that one stuck out at me as sadly true. Seriously, when was the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired? I honestly don't know. In fact, that thought is probably the one hesitation I have about having kids. I hear stories about new parents and I'm like, er, how is that going to work when I'm already tired all the time? I do not do well without sleep. Right now I sleep a minimum of seven hours a night and usually get eight. It's not exactly a preference thing, it's a necessity for me, I physically need to get enough sleep or my body literally starts breaking down. Even one or two late nights can result in aching and swollen joints. Not fun. I guess the reason the human race has managed to survive this long has something to do with the fact that even knowing all of this, the urge to have babies is stronger than my doubts. I am banking on awesome babies that learn to sleep through the night very early in their lives. That or a husband that doesn't mind night feedings =D Labels: 7 posts in 7 days, Baby talk, to sleep perchance to dream
Friday, September 18, 2009
I couldn't make this stuff up if I tried. As I walked to meet Paul and a friend for dinner I was stopped by a polite looking young man. "Sorry to bother you, but I'm just here on a short trip." I was expecting him to ask me for directions, which is more often than not the case here, but instead he whipped out a stack of papers at which point I knew I was about to be asked for money. From the look of him I was expecting ACLU or Greenpeace or some other hippie-liberal organization, but instead? "During the Bush Administration a microchip was implanted into my brain stem [points to a document with a picture of a brain on it]. I'm trying to raise $28 so I can get a state ID so I can have surgery to have the chip removed." Um, what? Labels: 7 posts in 7 days, San Francisco, those whacky liberals
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Geez, day 2 and I almost decided to just scrap the whole thing. When did blogging get so hard? Okay, it's not, I'm just tired (when am I not?). I had this whole post planned out in my head, about competitiveness and how I've realized that I've become insanely competitive, mainly having to do with this being the first time in my life I'm not 100% sure I can compete with the people I'm trying to impress. Actually I don't even know if "competitive" is the right word. Maybe I should call it a feeling of abject terror at the thought of failing. Like to the point where when I realize I haven't done something up to expectations my palms start to sweat and I feel like I'm going to throw up. Yes, really. Then I realized, I don't have much else to say about the topic beyond that. That I have developed this unhealthy obsession to succeed at something and sometimes I don't even know why. Actually I do know why - because I want to be the best, dammit, and I'm not sure I can be and just thinking that thought makes me twitch. Confession: Sometimes at work I have to stop what I'm doing for a moment and type out the lyrics to a praise song. It's the only way to calm myself down when I'm on the brink of totally flipping out (in my head only, of course) over some perceived colossal failure that (hopefully) is just a small oops in reality. It helps me remind myself that God doesn't care about any of the stuff that's stressing me out, so ultimately why should I? Do I sound totally neurotic yet? Yes? I thought so. Labels: 7 posts in 7 days, blogging, Make Joyce go something something, the grind
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
How is it that I blinked and suddenly Q4-09 is around the corner? Where did the year go? January seems like both yesterday and a hundred years ago. I haven't been a very good blogger in recent years, but certainly 2009 was a new low for me. Those "x number of posts in x number of days" commitments have become popular with bloggers who have let their blogs fall by the way-side and that sounds like a good idea to me. So I've decided to attempt something relatively modest and launch my own 7 posts in 7 days. From there, we'll see. I stayed late at work today for a teaching conference call (I actually enjoy these things because I can make believe I am back in my carefree college days - of course it is much harder to pay attention when 3,000 miles away from the speaker) and by the time I left it was way past my normal departure time. The office was empty except for my colleagues in other departments, most of whom I've never met. I rode the elevator with a friendly fellow from the equity research group and this is when I came to the realization that I often totally ignores peoples names when introducing myself. It is actually a more frequent occurrence when I'm slightly intimidated by the person I'm meeting because I perceive them as being more important than I am. I start to blank out as they say their name because I'm frantically trying to think of what I should say next. What if I say The Wrong Thing? What then?? So while they speak I carefully plan my response and by the time they are done introducing themselves and a polite conversation pursues and ends, I walk off only to realize I have no clue who I just met beyond what they do and (maybe only vaguely) what they look like. Now I'm in a panic because the next time I meet them it is not polite to ask them their name again and I will just have to hope I'm never in a position where I have to introduce this person to anyone. Now that I realize my bad habit I'm going to make a concerted effort to PAY ATTENTION! to people's names when I meet them. After all, names are strangely important to people. Labels: 7 posts in 7 days, blogging, the grind
Sunday, September 06, 2009
Paul and I attended a baby shower this afternoon. During dinner another father-to-be (not the one who's shower it was) was talking to us about how scary the prospect of being a parent is because you suddenly realize the sheer number of things to worry about. All the things that can go wrong. Funny enough I think we got a little taste of the terror that can be parenting after we came home tonight. We were lying in bed, watching some tv and getting ready to fall asleep when we heard a strange high-pitched coughing sound. I realized it was coming from Taz and immediately shot out of bed, turned on the light and started rubbing her back. She kept "coughing" for a few more seconds and by the time she stopped Paul had his glasses on and was standing over her as well. It freaked me out because we gave her some scallops this morning along with her shrimp (which we give her as an occasional treat) and the first thing I thought when I heard her coughing was, "Oh no she must be having an allergic reaction to the scallops!" I guess that's unlikely since we fed it to her over sixteen hours ago and other than that coughing fit she has been fine all day. Also, Dr. Google says that if a cat has a food allergy it is usually a developed allergy to something they are fed regularly. That made me feel a little bit better about the scallops. Of course, Dr. Google also mentioned that if a cat's ears are warm it could mean they have a fever, and yes, you guessed it, Taz's ears are warm. But I offered her some treats and she happily gobbled them up and then started cleaning herself so she's pretty much acting normal. Hopefully I'm worried over nothing. Even though it was after midnight, I was almost ready to take her to an emergency vet when I read that thing about the ears. I did pull the chair she was sleeping on closer to our bed so I can keep an eye on her. If she does it again and no hairball appears I'm taking her to the emergency vet. Shoot, I pay $30/mo pet insurance for a reason right? Apparently, I am so totally going to be that parent.
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