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Saturday, April 07, 2007


I'm not sure it's the healthiest thing in the world but I've started reading the blog of this woman who was recently divorced. That's not what's unhealthy, though, the unhealthy part is that I've been reading only the posts in the "divorce" category and I'm not sure why.

She's really funny though. And even though it's obvious that the divorce caused her a lot of pain, she took it in stride and doesn't sound overly bitter and seems to be able to laugh at the horror of it all. She's one of those people I can totally relate to except that she's much more articulate and funny than I could ever be.

Reading her posts scare the crap out of me because it makes me wonder and panic and hyperventilate a little bit because? What if that's me one day? What if Paul has a midlife crisis and leaves me alone with four cats, a drinking problem and a bunch of bills?

Nobody goes into a marriage thinking it will end this way but it seems like so many do and well, how do you know? How do you know that you won't end up alone, drinking wine straight from the bottle and crying to your cat ten years from now? How do you know that you ARE different? That your marriage is different? Your love is different?

And the thing that scares me the most is that I don't think I could deal with it the way she has. I think it would destroy me and pulverize me into little bits of something I used to be.

And I know, I know, I'm freaking crazy. Paul and I are fine. Paul is wonderful. More than wonderful. But I think that only makes it all the more frightening. I have no idea what I'd do if he left me, it's totally unimaginable. Just the thought of it is making me sick to my stomach - and nothing is even happening! Ah, what's wrong with me.

Don't answer that.

Labels: , ,

wingless was still breathing at 5:40 PM -

only because you wonder what someone is going through post-divorce. same thing i did when at a crucial part in a pseudo relationship, asking women how they dealt with younger men, or how men dealt with older women, and how any of them dealt with precarious relationships. 4 cats and bills. hah. you'll simply turn to the internet anyway.
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