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Thursday, October 01, 2009

fending for myself

In our house, Paul does the cooking.

But with it being quarter end and all, he has been putting in long days and so, many phone calls later (and much whining of "when are you coming hoooome? I'm huuuuungry"), I finally decided to fix myself some dinner.

As you can see, it wasn't pretty.

(But in all fairness to myself I did make some rockin' bacon on the foreman grill to go along with my sad looking eggs.)

(Yes, those are eggs. Who knew it was that hard to flip them in the pan? Not me.)

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Tuesday, July 07, 2009

Two years

This probably won't come as a huge shock to the people who know me, but I'm no picnic to live with.

I've been known to cook food so inedible that my own mother won't eat it. I'm a tiny bit more competent when it comes to housekeeping but that really isn't saying much. And I tend to fall into these long funks where I can barely bring myself to take a shower (I do, but it's more out of necessity, i.e. not wanting my coworkers to wonder what that smell is), nevermind wiping down the coffee table or making the bed.

I do, however, change the cat litter. Most days. So that's something.

My husband cooks, and he doesn't just cook, he makes gourmet meals. My family members are always extra excited when Paul is slated to make something for a potluck event because they know they are going to be treated to something awesome. Like meatballs made from scratch. Or prime rib slow roasted in a giant salt crust. And even after a long day of work he will come home and cook me anything my heart desires, even if it's just a bowl of ramen with a fried egg and lime squeezed over it. Paul doesn't know how to half-ass anything, not even ramen.

He wakes up at 5am to drive me to work (even though he doesn't have to be up until 7am) and has been known to wipe my cat's poopy butt. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.

But more importantly, after five years we can still talk all night. We talk about anything and everything. About our current life, about our future children, about politics and current events, about work and the financial world in general, about basketball. We agree most of the time, but even when we don't we have fun talking about it (Lakers, we will never agree on the Lakers).

I have never been happier in my life and I honestly can't imagine being happier. I can't imagine being with someone who suits me better. I can't imagine a better man even exists. I wake up every day feeling indescribably lucky to be married to the best person I know.

And somehow, he has officially survived two years of being married to me. So cheers to him and many, many more years.


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Tuesday, May 26, 2009

personal day

Above is my attempt to distract you from the rambling post from last night. I really need to have Paul confiscate my laptop anytime I use those darn sleeping pills. Speaking of which, I didn't even go to bed after taking them last night, I more or less floated around the apartment in a semi-conscious state until WELL past my bedtime. So far past my bedtime that I actually took a personal day because, dude, I wasn't going into work in that state.

Anyway, look! Kitty! She is still a big (BIG) ball of fur and cuddles. It's really nice having her back with me all the time.

Well, I'm off to pick up Paul for a rare workday lunch together! We work across the street from each other but since I don't get a lunch break, the best we get on a normal day is picking up food together. Today we are going to have sandwiches on the couch at home so this is quite a treat.

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Friday, March 20, 2009

actually not a bad time to be a credit risk analyst

So you may have heard about all the financial-crisis-hoopla stuff going on recently. Just a bit. And yes, Paul lost his financial industry job last November. And nope, things haven't really improved much within the industry since then. So he was understandably surprised when he got a call. For an interview. In fact, he didn't even answer the phone, so convinced was he that the random 415 area code number was a telemarketer.

"Haven't you sent out some resumes recently?" I asked.

"Yeah," he replied.

"So, uh...?" I said.

And lo and behold his phone jingled that he had a voicemail. And someone wanted to interview him. So he interviewed. And this afternoon FedEx dropped off an offer later and as of March 30th we will officially once again be a two income household.

We both feel so blessed. Especially because we were able to arrange a last minute getaway to Hawaii for next week!

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Thursday, December 04, 2008

you've come a long way baby

It's cold in the city now, I mean, cold for San Francisco, which is to say, not cold at all. But still, it's cold for California.

Paul and I are still adjusting to to the changes that have come about in the last couple weeks, and of course, I still hate change. I'm not really sure what to do or how to feel or how to act or what to say about it. It's hard. It's exhausting. I'm scared and confused and not at all sure of the future sometimes. Especially when I'm alone in the apartment, which let's face it, I haven't been in a long, long time because of the long hours I've been working and the fact that Paul and I are kind of attached at the hip outside of work. But Paul has a GMAT class three times a week, three hours at a time and that may not sound like a long time to be apart but we're gross and it is for us.

I let myself go a little crazy when I'm home alone and I sit and wait for him to come back and make me sane again. So I can stop obsessing and ruminating and wondering where we'll be five years from now. Will there be a baby? Will I still be at the same job I'm at now (oh dear GOD don't let this be the case - not to sound like I'm ungrateful for my job because I am grateful to have one at all nowadays - but yeah if I'm still in this exact job five years from now? *shudder*)? But really, what's the point in guessing, because five years ago I couldn't have even imagined where I am today. Five years ago I didn't even know Paul. I never imagined I'd be pursuing a career in finance, in fact I didn't even know I was remotely interested in finance. Looking back at 21 year old me, I was a mess. I was depressed and perhaps mildly suicidal. I was in love with a guy who definitely wasn't ready to settle down with me no matter how much I tried to pretend he was. I had accepted a job making less than what a McDonald's worker makes though I was going to be a UCLA grad. I was also just starting to get really, really sick. Yeah. Wow. As crappy as things feel right now, at least they've gotten better since then.

So maybe I'm just trying to convince myself not to give up, but let's face it...things could be a lot worse, all things considered. And I know this is not an extremely positive way to look at things (it could be so much worse! is not exactly optimistic right?) but hey, it's the truth. And I'm trying. And it's all I can muster right now.

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Friday, November 21, 2008

through good times and bad

I'm still processing everything that has happened this week. I'm still not quite ready to write about it all, except to say that what has happened this week has pretty much been the last thing I expected to happen. I honestly never saw myself in the position I find myself in now, but I think it's going to be okay. It's a new challenge and a new opportunity to rise to the occasion.

Oddly enough, I feel much more at peace today, much more like I can see the plan that God may be laying for Paul and me and our life together. 2009 will be an interesting year, certainly nothing like what we imagined at the beginning of 2008, but interesting and promising nonetheless. And I feel incredibly blessed that despite the hardships we might face in the coming months, things could be so much worse and are so much worse for so many others who are facing a similar predicament.

The lesson that I continue to learn (over and over and over again) is that life never happens the way you expect it to. What I'm hoping for now may never come to pass, but I have this confidence that however things turn out, that is how they were meant to be. When I look back on my life so far, it's so clear that God had a plan every time a door of opportunity opened or closed, whether it be in terms of education, career or relationships. Whatever happens, Paul and I have each other, supportive family and friends, and above all our faith in the Lord - and that just makes me feel like whatever happens, it's going to be okay.

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Friday, October 31, 2008

through good times and bad

Well. I made it through another week. And I must say, I've had some shitty jobs in the past (as some of you may remember) but I have never felt this utterly destroyed on Friday before. Seriously, if today wasn't Friday, I'm not sure if I could have made it through another day of work.

I don't know what I'm going to do, because I don't think I can take much more of this and I don't see anything changing for the better in the near future.

In fact, I'm fairly certain it's only going to get worse.

And it's just breaking me. Sometimes at work when people are asking me to do things and it's like fifteen minutes before the wire goes down, I just want to start screaming, not because I'm mad at them, but because I just don't know what to do anymore. I feel like I'm being pulled every minute in fifteen different directions and it just doesn't stop for twelve full hours. And even then, I only go home because my systems run on east coast time and they start crashing on me.

So of course, I've been a total shit to be married to. In fact, I'd be surprised if Paul hasn't considered divorce at least a couple times in the last few weeks.

For example I totally lost it last weekend when he had the audacity to clean the apartment, and then vacuum on top of it. I mean, the nerve right? First I yelled at him and then started bawling and he was just like, Dude? It even took me awhile to figure out what exactly pissed me off so much about him actually wanting to not live in a pig-sty, but eventually I realized it was because I like my outward environment to reflect what's going on inside and it bugged me that suddenly it was going to appear as though everything was just fine and dandy when I was still such a mess inside. He didn't exactly get it, but the amazing husband that he is, he let me cry and held me until I stopped and then made me leave the apartment with him. We went to the nail salon and I got a mani-pedi while he got his claws (i.e. toenails) groomed.

I honestly don't know what I'd do without this man. Nothing good, that's for sure.

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Friday, August 08, 2008

just one of the reasons i married him

While we're watching the opening ceremony of the Olympic Games...

"How come the Olympics can have official languages but the U.S. doesn't?"

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wingless was still breathing at 8:15 PM - 1 comments

Thursday, July 10, 2008

a lot but not (nearly) enough

The other day I was going through our junk mail and AmEx had sent Paul one of those sweepstake entry form thingys. Being the cynical fellow that he is, Paul's first reaction was "shred it."

I, being the hopeful optimist that I am, said, why not just give it a shot? It's a million dollars after all.

This of course led to a discussion of what sort of dream home we would buy if we won - it was only a brief discussion because we quickly realized that a million dollars is really only $500,000 after Uncle Sam takes his share and that, that will not buy one's dream home in SF.

Unless, of course, one's dream home is a 500sqft one bedroom condo with a great view of the building next door. And maybe a parking spot - if you're lucky.

What housing market crash? Not here in SF anyway.

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Monday, July 07, 2008

one year of wedded bliss

I know it's only been a year so this is expected and all, but I do feel it merits mentioning that not a day goes by where Paul doesn't do something, anything, to remind me just how lucky I am. Every. Single. Day. I think that's pretty amazing. I really can't imagine spending the rest of my life with anyone else.

Happy Anniversary babe!


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Saturday, March 15, 2008


A couple days ago I told Paul that I've really been missing authentic French food lately.

This morning, he is literally forcing me to watch a show all about a French restaurant that totally reminds me of one of the cafe's Joe, Punhea and I would eat at after class on our way home. Grr...

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wingless was still breathing at 8:48 AM - 1 comments

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

why i am never going back to mammoth

Somehow, without my knowledge, it was decided that Paul and I would be spending President's Day with his buddies snowboarding in Mammoth.

Looking back, it was all a horrible idea from the start and I have no idea what we were thinking going on that trip, except, OH YEAH, I DIDN'T HAVE A SAY! How about that...

I was already fighting some kind of strange form of stomach-virus-fly-cold. Great timing for a ski trip! In the snow! Where it is generally cold!

Then, even though Paul and I both took the day off work, the guys who were driving us up didn't and so we weren't on the road until about 7:15pm. On a Friday night. On President's Day weekend. Sigh.

Needless to say, there was traffic. And lots of it. We ended up taking a dinner break about an hour in before getting back on the road. Where, unfortunately, there was still a decent bit of traffic for awhile.

It did eventually clear up and then just after 11pm we were en route passing...Kirkwood. As in ski resort. As in Tahoe. And then the guy with the map said that since 120 straight through Yosemite was closed, we'd actually have to cross into Nevada to come back into California down into Mammoth.

That's right folks, not only did we drive by perfectly lovely ski resorts in Tahoe (not to mention the casinos and buffets!!) we actually had to drive into Nevada in order to get somewhere in California. At this point we were all cursing the LA friends who had gotten us into this mess in the first place. Because it really, really sucks to pass Tahoe at a perfectly acceptable hour, 11pm, only to end up at a similar destination except at 2:30am.

For most people rolling in at 2:30am on a Friday night is no big deal, but for me, that's practically turning my day upside down. These days I'm rarely up past midnight even on the weekends and Fridays are usually the day I end up sleeping earliest since I'm wiped out from the week. So getting in at 2:30am? Sleeping at 3am? And being awakened at 7am to get up and get ready for a day of vigorous exercise? When I haven't exercised in years? (Sadly I'm not exaggerating, unless of course you count the hill between my apartment and the restaurants on Columbus exercise.) On an empty stomach? All not the brightest idea Paul's ever had.

But whatever, I forgive him. And at least he had fun during his one trip down the mountain so the whole thing(and the close to $1000 we spent on clothing, lodging, lift tickets we each only used once, etc.) wasn't a complete waste. Not everyone gets to ride a snow mobile down the mountain after being stranded at the top of a run with no easy way down! But that's another story, for another day.

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Wednesday, February 13, 2008

hump day

It has just been one of those weeks.

Paul got in a car accident yesterday. Luckily, no one was hurt, and no, it was not Paul's fault and, also luckily, yes the other driver does have insurance. The insurance company has already informed us that the other driver is 100% liable, which is a load off our minds since we're hopefully going to be buying a condo in the next few months. I do feel bad for the other guy, his insurance rates are going to jump and all, but it was his fault (he opened his truck door as Paul was driving by) so what can you do right?

On Monday night, I woke up around midnight and knew I was heading straight for the toilet. Didn't have a thing in my stomach of course so it was all bile. Yum. Luckily, it didn't last long and once I had thrown up I felt a lot better and went back to sleep straight through until I had to get up for work. When I got into the office my coworker who drops me off at home most days was out sick with something that was either food poisoning or stomach flu. Hm.

Then today I got my Valentine's Day gift early, I took a bunch of pictures of it with the Rebel but I don't feel up to uploading right now, so suffice to say it looks suspiciously like this:

Clever boy picked something tasty, gorgeous AND that has special meaning to us! Too bad half it ended up as a pile of half-digested fruit on the floor between the ladies restroom and my office. I, being the genius that I am, ate a bunch of fruit on an already queasy-feeling stomach and boy did I pay for it. Or rather, the carpet and the maintenance people will.

Just in case you're wondering, no, I am not pregnant. I am in an office full of people who have come to work with pneumonia, possible stomach flu and a variety of other germs and infections. This is what happens when you work in an industry where people practically have to be on their death bed to be pulled away from work. (Especially when you're in the middle of the worst market crises in recent memory.)

So yeah, not fun. I've been sick for weeks and can't seem to get rid of it. I want nothing more than to collapse in bed until morning but Paul and I have tickets to Warriors/Suns at Oracle tonight and there's no way we're missing that game! Should be a very fun and fast game. Shaq won't be playing but maybe he'll be there!

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wingless was still breathing at 3:35 PM - 1 comments

Sunday, December 23, 2007

so damn spoiled

I'm talking about myself of course.

Look what Paul surprised me with for Christmas!

My parents were like, Didn't he give you a camera last year?!?


(He got a Warriors Mini-Plan including the Warriors-Lakers game we went to last week! It probably would have been a better gift if the Lakers had won but, hey, I'm not complaining!)

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Saturday, November 24, 2007

it's official, i suck

So I forgot to post on Thanksgiving and then I was like okay, whatever, I fail. I had a pretty good run there, though.

Paul and I have managed to do almost nothing for the past couple days except watch basketball and reruns of Heroes. It's been awesome. I mean that. What with work and all I haven't been able to just laze around like this in way too long.

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Thursday, November 15, 2007

hating my subconscious

Today was another crappy day at work. Not necessarily because anything really horrible happened but my computer went down just as three different people called to confirm trades and I left with an email box full of emails I haven't really read yet.

But I will tomorrow. I promise.

And also, I am a little drunk right now. Because we went out for beers after work. Because we all really needed beer.

Except now I'm going through all of that self-doubt and second guessing myself because I *revealed* to pretty much everyone that I used to basically work for the Republican party and, I don't know, that's always a little scary when you live in San Francisco (even if you know that no one in the office really cares who you vote for).

This is one of those things I hate about myself and why I think I still can't get rid of my biggest vice. I hate this feeling of going every-freaking-thing I said over and over in my head and picking apart how many different ways that could have been interpreted and who probably hates me now. This is actually what happens in my head for hours, sometimes days, after spending time socializing with other human beings.

It's funny because Paul thinks I'm an extrovert. And you would think that I would be since I work in sales and really seem to enjoy interacting with other people. But a true extrovert thrives when they are in a social environment and introverts are drained by it. And that's how it is for me. I like it. I really do. When I'm actually with people, it's great. It's afterwards that's a problem for me. And I guess that's why forcing myself to actually go out and interact with people in a social setting is so infrequent for me. It always ends up really draining me because of all the second-guessing and self-doubt that ensues.

Maybe this is why I like being married so much. Or, more specifically, being married to Paul. He's probably the only person who I really feel like I can say anything to and not wonder whether he'll still like me or not.

Or...is this normal? Does everyone wonder all the time whether other people like them or not? I get the feeling that most people don't really care all that much.

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Saturday, November 10, 2007

Day 10

This morning Paul and I woke up at 7 a.m. Had a discussion about Jensen's alpha (can his findings be applied to bond fund managers? me: yes, paul: no - but then again he does WORK FOR a bond fund manager) and then he vacuumed the apartment while I cleaned the bathroom.

Ah, the married life ;)

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Monday, November 05, 2007

the best thing about brunch

On Sunday morning Paul asked for a mimosa made with fresh squeezed orange juice. Am I a good wife or what? (Although my mom might not consider making my husband an alcoholic beverage before noon proper wife behavior). (And really, let's face it, I just wanted one myself too!).

Why am I awake when I have to be at work in six hours? Who the hell knows...

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Sunday, November 04, 2007

Day 4

Look at what the hubs is getting for his birthday next year when the tour goes to Napa!


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Sunday, August 19, 2007

Burning a hole in our pockets


We bought a car. And yes, perhaps we spent a little too much. But it has navigation! And wireless link thingamajig that connects to my cell phone! And a rear-view camera! And I still think we got a really good deal so I'm not completely devastated at how I just doubled my debt in one afternoon. Plus you can totally fit a car-seat in the back.

On the way home in our new car, the first big thing that we legally own together as husband and wife, I looked out at the amazing view of our city and remarked to Paul how good our lives are right now. He agreed.

God has really blessed us.

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Saturday, April 28, 2007

Thinking online (this post has no real point)

Before I came I wrote about how I'm one of those people who likes my space. Well, yeah, after four months this is really, really getting to me. And even though I am soo glad that my little sister is here, it's really not helping things in terms of the crowding. In fact, it means I now have to share my laptop on top of everything else.

Which, you know, is fine. I love my sister, I wanted her to come and I still want her here. I'm just really not used to being in such close quarters with so many people for such a long period of time. After all, I lived alone for two full years and for some reason I never felt crowded living with Paul. Just really, really happy. Which, I suppose, is why I'm marrying the man. We "mesh" so well it always felt like we were just one person, not two people sharing a space.

I guess part of it is that I'm a person who, when I'm feeling very overwhelmed emotionally, tends to shut off around people. Or I'd like to be able to shut off, close the door and just hide.

Last night I was feeling very "ugh" over some job-search-effort-related-stuff and there were just people everywhere. I hate it when the people around me know I'm depressed and I don't like to show my negative emotions. In fact, even when my grandmother died while I was here I barely cried because I just didn't feel comfortable doing that in front of my roommates. With Paul, I can let these things out because I don't mind telling him everything. If I'm grumpy I just tell him, I'm feeling grumpy and somehow he has this way of making me not grumpy. When I'm being my normal neurotic hyper-obsessive self, he has a way of calming me and reassuring me that things will be okay.

So I guess part of the reason I'm feeling so...antsy...crabby...generally annoyed and wanting to snap...is because I'm away from my security blanket (Paul).

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Tuesday, April 24, 2007

When you wish upon a star

I was all set to write a completely self-deprecating post about how I feel like such a sh*tty person for the way I'm feeling about my roommate.


That thing I was waiting for? The thing I've been waiting for, for what feels like YEARS now (reality: three weeks)?

HE GOT IT! Paul got his dream job and that means...I GET TO MOVE HOME!! It's happening! It's really really happening! And I can barely believe it. And I am so, so happy for my Hubs because he deserves this and he's earned it and oh my GOD, how God has blessed us! Blessed me, really.

I still can't believe it. I'M GOING HOME =o

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wingless was still breathing at 3:26 PM - 1 comments

Saturday, April 07, 2007


I'm not sure it's the healthiest thing in the world but I've started reading the blog of this woman who was recently divorced. That's not what's unhealthy, though, the unhealthy part is that I've been reading only the posts in the "divorce" category and I'm not sure why.

She's really funny though. And even though it's obvious that the divorce caused her a lot of pain, she took it in stride and doesn't sound overly bitter and seems to be able to laugh at the horror of it all. She's one of those people I can totally relate to except that she's much more articulate and funny than I could ever be.

Reading her posts scare the crap out of me because it makes me wonder and panic and hyperventilate a little bit because? What if that's me one day? What if Paul has a midlife crisis and leaves me alone with four cats, a drinking problem and a bunch of bills?

Nobody goes into a marriage thinking it will end this way but it seems like so many do and well, how do you know? How do you know that you won't end up alone, drinking wine straight from the bottle and crying to your cat ten years from now? How do you know that you ARE different? That your marriage is different? Your love is different?

And the thing that scares me the most is that I don't think I could deal with it the way she has. I think it would destroy me and pulverize me into little bits of something I used to be.

And I know, I know, I'm freaking crazy. Paul and I are fine. Paul is wonderful. More than wonderful. But I think that only makes it all the more frightening. I have no idea what I'd do if he left me, it's totally unimaginable. Just the thought of it is making me sick to my stomach - and nothing is even happening! Ah, what's wrong with me.

Don't answer that.

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wingless was still breathing at 5:40 PM - 1 comments

Monday, April 02, 2007

Lady in waiting

Paul always tells me I have a problem with patience. The problem being I don't have any.

So far things are looking good but there's still no solid news. If you don't know what I'm talking about hopefully you will by "Wednesday, at the latest." If not I will probably have died from anticipation by then anyway.

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wingless was still breathing at 5:53 PM - 0 comments

Waiting for tomorrow

It's kind of weird how when you get married, suddenly someone else's big life moments, some of which you have absolutely no control over, can turn your world on its head.

I think I like it.

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Friday, March 30, 2007

I like Kacy Crowley

He was too deep for his own good
He was the kind of person that nobody understood
I said, I love you
More than you love me
But I meant something
Entirely ugly

One year it rained on Christmas
He said, Let's just pretend we're in Paris
But I wasn't having it
No, I was killing it
I think his soul is so out of training

And, oh, his blood rushed somewhere silent
And, oh, his words just disappeared
He was fragile
And sometimes I like that
I've got his blood on my hands
And I've tried

It was the year that my horse broke
It was the year that I almost lost everything
I pushed him away
Only for my freedom
It tasted like salt
Like salt on my skin
And I...

Oh, his blood rushed somewhere silent
And, oh, his words just disappeared
He was fragile and
Sometimes I like that
I've got his blood on my hands
And I've tried

I can't make what's wrong
Right again
But I can shine it up bright again

Just when you think you're forgiven
There's no material left for confession
You'll be standing there
Look closer
Guilty and bloody and...

Oh, his blood rushed somewhere silent
And, oh, his words just disappeared
He was fragile
And sometimes I like that
I've got his blood on my hands
And my hands

Oh, his blood rushed somewhere silent
And, oh, his words just disappeared
He was fragile and sometimes I like that
I've got his blood on my hands and my hands
I've got his
Blood on my hands
I've got his blood on my hands
And I've tried

Blood - Kacy Crowley

This song reminds me of my relationship with Paul sometimes because there have been oh so many times when I've said things I completely regret later. And he always understands and always sticks with me in spite of myself. Which is why I'm marrying him. (And also, trying not to be such a jerk).


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Friday, March 02, 2007

*knock on wood*

There's a rumor going around the hubs office. Word has it that my man is going to be getting a promotion and a big raise soon. Probably before June. And when I say big, I mean like all told he'll probably be doubling his current salary. Of course it's all a rumor right now, but if it's true that means the pressure's off me, in terms of finding a job the moment I step back on American soil. Phew. Thanks baby! This marriage thing ain't half bad.

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wingless was still breathing at 5:23 AM - 0 comments

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