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"Being too charming was never one of my faults." - Kill Me Later
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girl talk (seriously the men probably want to avert their eyes)
So I'm somewhere between five to seven days late. Not quite sure because my cycle can normally be anywhere from 30 to 32 days long. What does this mean? Honestly, probably nothing. My cycle can be wonky and with the added stress of this house buying business I think my body is just throwing a tantrum. Also, I'm so pumped full of drugs even the mosquitoes won't bite me anymore. I should probably be clear, Paul and I are not trying, in fact as much as I would love to start a family ASAP, we are actively preventing that from happening right now. My doctor recommends we wait as long as possible so I can be weaned off my meds on a timeline that I find far too cautious (i.e. slow). Not only are some of the meds extremely harmful to any potential baby that will have to live in my womb for nine months but even just being pregnant could lead to potentially serious complications (for both me and the pregnancy). I have been told in no uncertain terms that no matter how long I've been in remission, any pregnancy will be considered a high-risk one, monitored closely by a high-risk ob and probably a team of other types of doctors. Which is funny (no, not really) since I am actually fine right now, health-wise, and have needed very little monitoring since the Q3 2008. Anyway all of this puts me in the very awkward position of desperately wanting to be pregnant and have a baby, like now, while simultaneously making sure we take every precaution to prevent that exact thing from happening. And even though I'm sure this is probably nothing (yes, I did take an HPT today, it was negative) part of me is wondering what will happen if it isn't nothing. If it is in fact, something. Like a human being. In my uterus. Part of me would certainly be overjoyed, but the other part? Terrified. Sad. Freaked the eff out. Because as much as I do want a baby, it's more important to me to give that baby the best chance it has at being healthy and "normal." You know, this is probably the only part about my condition that I have a really hard time accepting. In fact, for the most part, I've learned to see my condition as a blessing, something that makes me appreciate what a lot of young, healthy people don't. When things are good, like now, I don't take the little things like being able to hold a tooth brush or walking up a flight of stairs for granted. I take better care of myself because I have to and I feel good about it because I hope it means I'm protecting my body for the future. But as a young married woman, I just can't seem to get over the fact that my disease has made something so instinctive so utterly complicated. I can imagine myself as a normal, healthy person and I would feel nothing but overjoyed at the idea of being pregnant right now. But instead of being that person, I'm the person who has just written a long and rambly post about wanting to be something that I might be, and yet not being able to be happy about possibly being exactly what I want to be (huh??). Maybe I lost you there. Don't worry, I lost myself too. Let's all just hope I get my period tonight and this post becomes just another one of those overly-revealing posts that I'll blush about tomorrow. Labels: Baby talk, i don't feel so good, navel gazing
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