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Friday, April 30, 2010

are we animals or not? make up yer damn mind

Strange conversation today with the brother of one of my coworkers. He gave an impassioned soliloquy about how humankind has veered off course and we need to get back in touch with nature. Hunt things and eat them. How people today are lost and depressed because we're not doing what our bodies think we should be doing.

Then later when speaking with a thirty year old female acquaintance he pontificated about how the whole idea of women needing to get married and have babies by thirty is a complete social construct that makes no sense.


If you believe in human evolution as a main driver for explaining our physical needs, you must see the reason for women having children sooner rather than later, no? Wouldn't this make the idea of having children (for women) before thirty, the opposite of a social construct?

Apparently not. Paul said I should have said something but I really did not care enough to pick a fight, particularly since the 30 something unmarried woman was there and she seemed nice enough and I did not want to say anything that might put her in an awkward spot. I just thought the whole thing was totally bizarre. Do people not realize your fertility starts to decrease at age 27 and takes a significant nosedive at 35?? This is just me on my soapbox but I really wish that more time was spent educating women about the correlation between fertility and age, rather than just a bunch of stories of 40+ year old celebs successfully having twins their first go round of motherhood. Do people really think it's that simple??

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wingless was still breathing at 9:48 PM - 2 comments

Saturday, April 24, 2010


I was a little surprised by how I felt. Relieved, sure. But still, a little disappointed.

I know I shouldn't be. It would have put us in a tough place and forced us to make some decisions I really never want to have to make. And after all, I'm so close to it being the "right time." And by that, I don't mean financially or mentally because let's face it, who is ever really ready when it comes to those things? You can always be a little richer or a little more mature right?


wingless was still breathing at 11:46 PM - 1 comments

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

best laid plans

First thing, thank you Todd and Parijat, you have no idea how much your comments have done to lift my spirits.

I really am feeling better today. I had a bit of bloodletting last night, no blood, just lots of tears. I think Paul was caught a bit off guard even though I'm pretty sure he suspected how depressed I've been. When I woke up Monday morning and announced I was not going to work, I woke up several hours later to find him sitting on the couch in his pajamas. Since we both normally have to be coaxed into staying home from work even when feverish and near-death (it's not that we love our jobs but more that we are both sort of workaholics) this was all kind of weird. I got the feeling he did not want to leave me home alone in an apartment full of sharp pointy objects.

Last night I just started crying. Nothing happened. I just couldn't hold it in anymore and it started off as just a tear in my eye and quickly progressed into wailing and gnashing of teeth. Paul handled it perfectly and just held me and didn't say much until I finally unloaded all these feelings of failure and frustration and disappointment on him. Somehow he resisted the male instinct to "fix" things (although maybe in this case all men would wisely realize that would be a Very Bad Idea) and stayed within the realm of just being comforting. Eventually I fell asleep. This morning I woke up and felt better, both physically and mentally, went to work puffy eyes and all. Luckily I work with a bunch of dudes and no one noticed.

I have been having dreams about my ex, The Marine, these last few nights. Nothing inappropriate, he has just been there. They have been unsettling dreams. Not unhappy dreams, but not happy either. Today while my mom and aunt were here doing "energy healing" on me (another story for another day) I think I realized why I've been thinking about him.

I can't say that when he broke up with me it was completely out of the blue. I knew that since he had come home and rejoined "normal" we weren't really on the same page anymore. I think I was still imagining some storybook romance where the hero comes home from war and marries the gal that waited faithfully and then they have two kids, a dog (or cat) and a white picket fence. Okay, so that's not exactly what I had pictured, but I did have a pretty clear picture of my life with him in it. I had A Plan.

So when he clued me into the fact that despite all my best planning, he was not on board with the plan, I was crushed. So crushed I didn't shower, or leave the house, or eat for three days and my best friend had to drive three hundred miles and collect the pieces that were left of me into her car and take me home.

Is it wrong for me to sort of compare these two situations? Not that the whole breakup thing is anywhere near as devastating or traumatizing, but merely to show that I am a Planner and I tend to go ape-shit-bananas when my plans get jacked up. These are the only two times in my life where I felt quite assured that my best laid plan not only made sense but was completely achievable. Only to have my dream beaten to an unrecognizable pulp.

What do you do when life decides it does not care for your Outlook Calendar or your schedule or your timeline or pretty much anything else that helps you feel like you are in control? What do you do when life, like an insolent teenager screams at you "STOP TRYING TO CONTROL ME" and then hurls something at you just for good measure.

All you can do is that. Just stop. After initially falling apart, I quickly realized that my ex did not want what I had planned and there was no reason to agonize over it and sooner rather than later I was over it. My life moved on quickly and part of me was still pissed that the plan was dead, but I knew that soon enough there would surely be a new plan.

What makes this time harder is, I don't know if I have a plan anymore. Or what it is. Or if I should just stick my finger in my ears and go lalalala for now until I've got this all figured out.

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wingless was still breathing at 7:53 PM - 0 comments

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

save me, i'm lost

I am having a really hard time with this. For some reason I feel so much more defeated this time around. I think I am coming to the realization that what I have is not curable. After all this time, after five years, I think part of me was still clinging to the naive hope that I would finish up a course of medication and this would all go away. Like it was a sinus infection or something.

I am just so tired of this. I'm tired of this being part of my life. I'm tired of the fact that I can't just decide to have a child with my husband like millions of other young women my age are doing right now.

I never really grieved when I was diagnosed. I don't know if I felt like I needed to. I don't think I really understood the effect it would have on my life. I knew I was sick, I knew I would need medication, probably for years, but I was so young. I was only twenty-two, just graduated from college, still working my first job. Paul and I weren't even engaged yet, we had only been dating a few months. I wasn't imagining getting pregnant or what it would be like to be a parent with this disease.

I think that is the other thing that has been bothering me lately. I wonder how I can be a parent when I get tired so easily? I wonder how I can stay up all night with a newborn or a sick child when even one night with too little sleep causes me so much pain the next day. How can I do it? Can I do it?

And yet..

I want to be a mother. I want Paul to be a father. He will be an amazingly wonderful father, I know it. And I don't want to feel like I failed him. I don't want to continue failing. It is important to my husband to have biological children (he is very open to adoption but he has always been very honest about his desire to have biological children as well) and I don't think it is wrong for him to feel this way. I know he will love me even if I can't give him biological children, but I don't know if I will ever be able to forgive myself if that happens. If for some reason it turns out that I can never carry children, I will always know that if he had just chosen someone else he would have easily had what he wants.

This time just feels different. This "flare" feels like a wake up call. I'm helpless in all of this. The doctors don't really know what they're doing, at this point I probably know almost as much as they do about this disease. This may never go away.

All I can do is pray it does. Pray for supernatural healing.

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wingless was still breathing at 5:28 PM - 2 comments

Sunday, February 21, 2010

the pee has hit the fan

I am so disappointed tonight. In myself. In my body. For something I'm not even sure I really have any control over. But I still feel like I've failed somehow.

I got the results of my urinalysis back tonight (6pm Sunday evening, I love that they post the results online) and as expected, they look...bad. Pretty bad. Kind of downright awful and now I'm really dreading the blood test results (which will probably come back tomorrow). I'm also really dreading my doctors appointment tomorrow, it feels like I've just failed a math test and I have a meeting with the teacher or something.

It's so hard to express just how frustrated and disappointed I am right now. How hard it is to live with this stupid invisible disease. Being sick on the inside and looking fine on the outside makes it so people have no understanding at all on how painful it can be, both mentally and physically. I am crestfallen, I feel like I've failed and now I'm wondering if I will ever be able to get pregnant and have biological children.

We're supposed to go on a trip up to Tahoe with some friends in a couple week and I really don't want to go because I think this is a critical time for my body in terms of healing. I don't think I should be going up into high elevations which strains me during the best of times, and of course there will be a lot of drinking and staying up late and physical exertion. We will probably cancel and it's stupid but my main concern right now is, what will we tell people? People look at me and I seem to be perfectly healthy, because I can be most of the time, it's hard to explain why I have to be so careful without feeling like an invalid.

I don't even know what I'm trying to say right now, I think I just have all this pent up frustration about living with this damn disease and the lack of understanding there is in the general population of what it is and what people with lupus can and can't do.

I've always experienced this fear about telling people because I don't want them to think I am a liability at work (I'm not) or that it affects my career in any way (it doesn't and won't). But then when I'm pushed to do the same things as other people my age (go out, take trips, etc.) I don't know what to say. Because I do have to be so much more careful and aware...

And now I'm just freaked out over this whole trying to have a baby thing. Sigh. I'm trying to see the silver lining in this as being able to focus on adopting our first child rather than getting pregnant with one, but I'm also kind of sick of always having to find the silver lining in shit.

I wish I was a little kid so I could lie on the floor and cry and pound my fists and yell about how unfair this all is. I guess this blog will just have to suffice.

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wingless was still breathing at 7:38 PM - 2 comments

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

testing, testing

It must have been August 2007. I can't believe it's been two and a half years. I think that was the last really bad flare I had (excluding a mini-flare that next spring).

My feet swelled up to the point where I couldn't fit them in my shoes and the skin was stretched so tight it ached. My blood pressure sky-rocketed. At one point I think I gained about forty pounds in water weight. It was ridiculous. And also kind of gross.

For awhile I was really good about taking my blood pressure at least a few times a week (yes, just like your grandmother probably does) and then eventually I just stopped worrying about it. Last week is the first time I've had a bad reading in months, maybe years and since then I haven't had one really good reading. And I'm scared shitless. It might all be in my head but I have just felt *off* since then. I feel like I'm swelling up even though I'm not. I have headaches. My skin feels tingly and sometimes my hands feel numb.

Yes, it's probably in my head.

But I don't think the high blood pressure is. I'm getting my bloodwork done this weekend and I'm really scared to see the results. I keep telling myself it is what it is and there's nothing I can do about it at this point. But I'm praying that I'm wrong and that I am pleasantly surprised. If not, then maybe this is God pushing me to explore something else for now.

A perfect example of how impatient I am, I'm tempted to go to the clinic ahead of schedule and get my tests done early just because I hate waiting!

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wingless was still breathing at 7:14 PM - 0 comments

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

blah blah blah

Last week I wanted to write a post about how disillusioned I've become with certain things involving my career and company. But then, on Thursday we had our first meeting with Dr. Bigshot - our new high risk obgyn who will hopefully be our guide through this whole crazy process which sounds to be full of lots of testing and blood draws and all shenanigans involved in high risk pregnancies.

Overall the doctor seemed pretty positive but the thing that personally has me freaked out was my blood pressure reading at the beginning of the appointment. And then they thought maybe they'd try it again at the end but it was still high!! Since then I've been testing at home and while it's a little bit lower it's still way too high.

It just brings me back to the last time I flared when my bp was off the charts and I'm afraid that this is what's happening and that when I see my doctor he will think that this means I can never taper off my meds, ever, and ahhhhhh.

Rarely do I hate this disease but now I'm just terrified. Terrified that my whole "plan" is being derailed by none other than my crappy body. And I feel like I have no control over it, no way to know, no way to plan. What the hell should I do!! Thinking of doubling up on my high bp medication because maybe I really am just stressed the fuck out right now what with all the shit going on at work....Maybe this doesn't have to be my freaking body destroying my own kidney...right?? RIGHT?

Sigh. I went to Vegas too by the way but I'll go over that when I'm a little more coherent and less sleep deprived.

Happy belated V-day everyone and especially to my wonderful husband who knows I don't really care but bought me flowers anyway...And they're purrty...

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wingless was still breathing at 7:43 PM - 0 comments

Thursday, December 17, 2009

aww you guys are THE BEST

Not to be a constant downer or anything, but I have been sick for like going on three weeks now and it really sucks. I'm actually pretty cheered up today by the fact that Jon and Dan still visit (Hi Jon and Dan!) and somehow Dan managed to find my RSS feed which is really quite a shock since I didn't even know I had one. You really do learn something new every day.

But alas, I'm still sick. And I've been sick since before I took my CFA test a couple weeks ago and studiously avoided the doctor for as long as I possibly could. Part of it was that I really was super busy trying to do all that last minute cramming and the other part of it is that every time I get really sick, my bloodwork seems to go downhill and my doctor gets all concerned and it basically leads to me not having my meds decreased. Which is not what I want right now. More on that later.

Then one day last week my coworker called in sick and later that day announced via frantic phone call that he was possibly being diagnosed with The Dreaded Swine (Flu). At which point my brain started to recall the whole "if you have a chronic illness contracting swine flu could very well kill you" which was followed by a lot of panicking and leaving voicemails with my doctor's nurse (of course it was his day off). The next morning I was chastised by the nurse who basically commanded me to go see a doctor like five minutes ago and when I protested that I could not leave work because of my filthy diseased coworker who had possibly infected me with his germy little self, I was sternly told that I was PLAYING WITH MY LIFE HERE and basically she would not hang up until I promised to make an appointment with an emergency clinic in the city.

So I did, got some flu medicine and then spent the weekend feeling even worse with a low fever that simply would not go away. I've been feeling better and worse depending on the time of day (usually better in the mornings and worse in the afternoons) but I'm *hoping* I might finally be turning a corner. I am scheduled for blood tests this weekend and a visit with my specialist on Monday so I'm keeping my fingers crossed that this illness hasn't wiped out all the positive progress of this past year....


Well, I have some goals for the coming years. Goals that for most people would seem within the realm of their control but feel oddly out of mine. One, I'm hoping to be promoted. Okay, so I guess this is not really something most people can control, but I feel like it's especially out of my hands because of the industry I'm in and the fact that openings for the position I want is rare in the best of market conditions and are pretty much non-existent in the current environment. I kind of feel lucky just for the fact that I can even imagine the possibility of being promoted into this position, but since I tend to be the type of person who is never satisfied, eh I'm not satisfied. I don't mean to sound ungrateful, I know how hard ANY job is to come by right now, but I just...want...more. You know?

And the other thing...the thing more directly related to my whole fear of going to the doctor...which also seems entirely incongruous with my "I want to be promoted" goal...I'd really love to get to a point physically where my doctor doesn't blanch when I bring up the possibility of maybe, possibly having a baby, like sort of soonish.

All this may not be the best idea considering I discovered MOLD in my cat's water cup the other day and wasn't sure how long it'd been there since I usually fill it while half asleep in the dark before work. So yeah, my furbaby has been possibly drinking moldy water for the last who knows how many days. Clearly I'm going to be a great, attentive mother right?

There's a lot more I have to say about this but alas it is now late and unfortunately not Friday (i.e. I must drag my happy ass out of bed long before the sunrises). I'm starting to feel a bit loopy now from the cough syrup w/codeine mixed with amb*ien and it's probably just better if I stop here for now.

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wingless was still breathing at 4:37 PM - 3 comments

Saturday, September 19, 2009

Day 4: sleep vs kids

"I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired."

That is from the "Random Thoughts" email that you might or might not have seen going around recently. All of them are funny and true, but that one stuck out at me as sadly true.

Seriously, when was the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired? I honestly don't know. In fact, that thought is probably the one hesitation I have about having kids. I hear stories about new parents and I'm like, er, how is that going to work when I'm already tired all the time?

I do not do well without sleep. Right now I sleep a minimum of seven hours a night and usually get eight. It's not exactly a preference thing, it's a necessity for me, I physically need to get enough sleep or my body literally starts breaking down. Even one or two late nights can result in aching and swollen joints. Not fun.

I guess the reason the human race has managed to survive this long has something to do with the fact that even knowing all of this, the urge to have babies is stronger than my doubts. I am banking on awesome babies that learn to sleep through the night very early in their lives.

That or a husband that doesn't mind night feedings =D

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wingless was still breathing at 7:50 PM - 0 comments

Sunday, September 06, 2009

google as vet

Paul and I attended a baby shower this afternoon. During dinner another father-to-be (not the one who's shower it was) was talking to us about how scary the prospect of being a parent is because you suddenly realize the sheer number of things to worry about. All the things that can go wrong. Funny enough I think we got a little taste of the terror that can be parenting after we came home tonight.

We were lying in bed, watching some tv and getting ready to fall asleep when we heard a strange high-pitched coughing sound. I realized it was coming from Taz and immediately shot out of bed, turned on the light and started rubbing her back. She kept "coughing" for a few more seconds and by the time she stopped Paul had his glasses on and was standing over her as well.

It freaked me out because we gave her some scallops this morning along with her shrimp (which we give her as an occasional treat) and the first thing I thought when I heard her coughing was, "Oh no she must be having an allergic reaction to the scallops!" I guess that's unlikely since we fed it to her over sixteen hours ago and other than that coughing fit she has been fine all day. Also, Dr. Google says that if a cat has a food allergy it is usually a developed allergy to something they are fed regularly. That made me feel a little bit better about the scallops.

Of course, Dr. Google also mentioned that if a cat's ears are warm it could mean they have a fever, and yes, you guessed it, Taz's ears are warm. But I offered her some treats and she happily gobbled them up and then started cleaning herself so she's pretty much acting normal.

Hopefully I'm worried over nothing. Even though it was after midnight, I was almost ready to take her to an emergency vet when I read that thing about the ears. I did pull the chair she was sleeping on closer to our bed so I can keep an eye on her. If she does it again and no hairball appears I'm taking her to the emergency vet. Shoot, I pay $30/mo pet insurance for a reason right?

Apparently, I am so totally going to be that parent.

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wingless was still breathing at 12:58 AM - 0 comments

Monday, May 25, 2009

you just don't know when to quit do you

Paul and I just returned after a four-day trip up the coast of California. My wonderful, amazing hubby planned the whole thing with almost zero input from me (since I kinda suck at planning things), I mainly served as a budget-sounding-board (i.e. How much should we spend on hotels?).

Even though our accommodations on the way up were amazing (no sleeping in the car for us!) I still didn't sleep very well due to the fact that I am very much like one of those grumpy old people who don't like to be away from their bed and their things, etc...

Long story short, now that we are home and have to go back to work at the butt-crack-o-dawn tomorrow, I decided an Ambien is in order (especially since Paul will undoubtedly be up til past my bedtime watching the NBA playoffs.

Ok, so I remember there was some point I wanted to make when I started writing and then one thing led to another and here I am?

I think I was going to write about how I managed to watch a large part of the Jon and Kate Plus 8 marathon while we were away and damn it. I want kids. I don't want eight. But two or three would be really awesome. But you know what? I'm really not coherent enough right now to go down this path on this blog. This topic deserves to be written by someone who isn't in a state where she is easily distracted by shiny objects...like Lamar Odom's head on the tv screen.

Which brings me to the other thing this post might have been about...I hate the Lakers. I don't really know if the Nuggets can take them down, esp since they gave home-court back in the last game, but you know, they've proven they can win in LA so....gah....blaahhh...

Just so you know, the last time I wrote a post while drugged up on sleeping pills, I literally forgot I wrote it for months until one day I was like eh? What is this? And it even had a COMMENT on it (Hi John! I keep meaning to write you and tell you that your little note meant a lot to me but then it was sooo long after you actually wrote it I also felt a bit silly....). And then it came back to me like your memories after a long night of drinking and doing crap you'd much rather just forget all about. Except in this case, I was just sort of embarrassed that I couldn't remember having written all that....

GAH! *taping my own mouth shut now*

Let's talk in the morning.

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wingless was still breathing at 8:12 PM - 0 comments

Monday, May 11, 2009

anyone surprised that she's a hardcore lefty liberal?

There's something I've been wanting to write about for awhile and yet haven't been quite sure how to without sounding too snarky and judge-y. But let's face it, I am being a bit judge-y and I don't necessarily think that it's wrong in this case because...well...read on.

I've been following this girl's blog off and on for awhile. I check in whenever I'm bored or happen to notice it in my bookmarks list not because it's particularly entertaining or well-written but mainly because she seems like such a train-wreck it's hard to look away. She's a couple years older than me, married to a much older, HIV positive man who's a former intravenous drug user (hence the HIV). She herself is a recovering alcoholic. She's still working on her undergraduate degree (her graduation date from State is constantly being pushed back due to incomplete courses and the like) and she earns money by babysitting. Not sure what her husband does but since she's written about fighting over things like whether or not to buy a new mop for $2 I feel it's safe to say he's not raking it in. They share a 2-bedroom apartment with a roommate somewhere in one of the less nice neighborhoods of SF. Oh and here's the kicker: They're trying very hard to get pregnant. Including through artificial means (since they kind of have to cause of the HIV and all).

As much as I love reading those infertility blogs where the couple eventually manages to conceive and posts a zillion adorable baby pictures, I've always held my breath a little every time I clicked onto her site. And then I would breathe a sigh of relief when I read her latest rant and was assured that she was still unsuccessful in her quest for procreation.

Until a couple weeks ago, that is, when I read about her first positive home pregnancy test. My heart dropped into my stomach and I felt angry, angry suddenly that we live in a country where we have to take a test to drive a car but any jackass can have a baby. I'm not saying that people who don't have all their ducks in a row should not be allowed to have children (see how annoyed I I am, I just used a triple negative), but I don't think that people in situations like the one she is in should be actively trying to bring a child into their roller-coaster of a world. If it happens, it happens, but to purposely bring a child into the world when you can't even provide for yourself? When there's a strong possibility your husband could get very sick and even die in the not so distant future? Does that not seem the least bit irresponsible to anyone else but me?? Her blog doesn't get a lot of readers but so far all the comments have been happy and supportive which I suppose is the norm. I don't like to post comments on blogs where I lurk (and in case you haven't noticed, I am not linking it here either) but I'm VERY tempted to in this case. But I won't. Because I know it won't make a difference.

The fact that she lives in SF only irritates me more because I know that I am going to end up being one of those sucker taxpayers who ends up contributing to her selfish need to procreate when she doesn't have the means to raise a kid without a government handout.


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wingless was still breathing at 3:16 PM - 0 comments

Saturday, April 25, 2009


It came this morning and I'm much more relieved than I expected to be. I thought at least a tiny part of me would be disappointed but I guess now is really not the time.

Hubby: You always worry too much.


wingless was still breathing at 8:37 AM - 0 comments

Friday, April 24, 2009

quietly driving myself insane

So I'm still here in Where-Is-My-Period hell and because I am a horrible person I am waiting for it with a glass of wine. I thought I had a sighting this morning but it turned out to be a false alarm so we are now T minus 6-8 days and counting. But who's counting right? (Oh yeah, ME).

I'm still 99% sure I am not pregnant (hence the glass of wine, though I did pour myself a small glass) but I am also sort of mentally cataloging all the things I've done in the last month or so that one is not supposed to do while gestating. And I'm talking beyond the aforementioned Class D drugs (also known as drugs with High Fetal Risk, all caps, just like that, look it up).

Imagining for a moment that this gestation business has been going on since Hawaii, there has been plenty of alcohol, sitting with smoking coworkers, allowing my husband to smoke his Cubans in the apartment and even taking a couple puffs, raw oysters, raw fish, at least one can of Coke a day, sleeping pills here and there, I'm pretty sure one tablet of Sudafed, and oh dear God, please let me get my period NOW because if I don't, this kid is doomed. Oh yeah, and I've been scooping the litter box and accidentally touched some cat poo the other day. Great.

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wingless was still breathing at 5:46 PM - 0 comments

Thursday, April 23, 2009

girl talk (seriously the men probably want to avert their eyes)

So I'm somewhere between five to seven days late. Not quite sure because my cycle can normally be anywhere from 30 to 32 days long. What does this mean? Honestly, probably nothing. My cycle can be wonky and with the added stress of this house buying business I think my body is just throwing a tantrum. Also, I'm so pumped full of drugs even the mosquitoes won't bite me anymore.

I should probably be clear, Paul and I are not trying, in fact as much as I would love to start a family ASAP, we are actively preventing that from happening right now. My doctor recommends we wait as long as possible so I can be weaned off my meds on a timeline that I find far too cautious (i.e. slow). Not only are some of the meds extremely harmful to any potential baby that will have to live in my womb for nine months but even just being pregnant could lead to potentially serious complications (for both me and the pregnancy). I have been told in no uncertain terms that no matter how long I've been in remission, any pregnancy will be considered a high-risk one, monitored closely by a high-risk ob and probably a team of other types of doctors.

Which is funny (no, not really) since I am actually fine right now, health-wise, and have needed very little monitoring since the Q3 2008.

Anyway all of this puts me in the very awkward position of desperately wanting to be pregnant and have a baby, like now, while simultaneously making sure we take every precaution to prevent that exact thing from happening. And even though I'm sure this is probably nothing (yes, I did take an HPT today, it was negative) part of me is wondering what will happen if it isn't nothing. If it is in fact, something. Like a human being. In my uterus.

Part of me would certainly be overjoyed, but the other part? Terrified. Sad. Freaked the eff out.

Because as much as I do want a baby, it's more important to me to give that baby the best chance it has at being healthy and "normal."

You know, this is probably the only part about my condition that I have a really hard time accepting. In fact, for the most part, I've learned to see my condition as a blessing, something that makes me appreciate what a lot of young, healthy people don't. When things are good, like now, I don't take the little things like being able to hold a tooth brush or walking up a flight of stairs for granted. I take better care of myself because I have to and I feel good about it because I hope it means I'm protecting my body for the future. But as a young married woman, I just can't seem to get over the fact that my disease has made something so instinctive so utterly complicated. I can imagine myself as a normal, healthy person and I would feel nothing but overjoyed at the idea of being pregnant right now. But instead of being that person, I'm the person who has just written a long and rambly post about wanting to be something that I might be, and yet not being able to be happy about possibly being exactly what I want to be (huh??).

Maybe I lost you there. Don't worry, I lost myself too. Let's all just hope I get my period tonight and this post becomes just another one of those overly-revealing posts that I'll blush about tomorrow.

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wingless was still breathing at 6:48 PM - 0 comments

Thursday, May 31, 2007

Just when I thought I had nothing left to say

Two things.

One, just got home from (finally!) meeting Jon and y'all, Jon is every bit as cool in person as he is online. And not just because he wrote a book and my blog is on a list in it or anything, but just because he really is a cool guy.

I'm not even sure how to say the second thing or what I want to say about it because every time I try to write it down I feel like a two year old brat throwing a tantrum. But here goes.

Ever since Paul and I got engaged (maybe even before that) I've been completely obsessed with the idea of having a baby. I don't know why. I should be happy with where I am, happy with getting married, moving to SF, getting my Master's degree and (hopefully) starting my first real career. Our LA pastor gave this sermon a long time ago that has stuck with me about people who always think that "the next step" will make them happy instead of being happy with what they have right now. I am totally that person. Especially since when I'm honest with myself we are nowhere near ready for children and we are really young and yadda yadda yadda.

So anyway, this morning I was reading this blog I haven't read in a long time, but which I used to read pretty much religiously and first started reading way back like eight years ago when I was a freaking senior in high school. Yes, high school. This girl is my age, we both have blogs but that's pretty much where the similarities end because she's much cooler than I could ever even aspire to be and incidentally she's a big ol' hippie. But that's besides the point. The thing is, she's pregnant. And as pathetic as this sounds I couldn't help but think, "Why not me?" Her post just got me thinking how we're always telling ourselves there's a "right" time but really the "right" time is just whenever it happens isn't it? She's unmarried, unemployed and the status of her relationship with the father is questionable, so a lot of people would say this is the "wrong" time for her but it's not because she's doing it. And having read her blog for the last eight years I'm sure she'll make it through just fine.

Okay, so there was no point at all to what I just wrote except that I want a baby. And also, I'm impatient. But also, since I am not pregnant maybe I will just have a glass of wine instead.

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wingless was still breathing at 12:57 PM - 0 comments

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