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Friday, April 30, 2010

are we animals or not? make up yer damn mind

Strange conversation today with the brother of one of my coworkers. He gave an impassioned soliloquy about how humankind has veered off course and we need to get back in touch with nature. Hunt things and eat them. How people today are lost and depressed because we're not doing what our bodies think we should be doing.

Then later when speaking with a thirty year old female acquaintance he pontificated about how the whole idea of women needing to get married and have babies by thirty is a complete social construct that makes no sense.


If you believe in human evolution as a main driver for explaining our physical needs, you must see the reason for women having children sooner rather than later, no? Wouldn't this make the idea of having children (for women) before thirty, the opposite of a social construct?

Apparently not. Paul said I should have said something but I really did not care enough to pick a fight, particularly since the 30 something unmarried woman was there and she seemed nice enough and I did not want to say anything that might put her in an awkward spot. I just thought the whole thing was totally bizarre. Do people not realize your fertility starts to decrease at age 27 and takes a significant nosedive at 35?? This is just me on my soapbox but I really wish that more time was spent educating women about the correlation between fertility and age, rather than just a bunch of stories of 40+ year old celebs successfully having twins their first go round of motherhood. Do people really think it's that simple??

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wingless was still breathing at 9:48 PM - 2 comments

Friday, April 23, 2010

let's talk about

Last night I threw up my dinner in the bathroom sink. Yes, disgusting I know.

I did attempt to work today but ended up coming home after a couple hours because my stomach just wasn't feeling okay. Assuming I'm not preggo since I just got through an unusually heavy period (sorry, TMI?) but since we have a ton of money in our FSA to use up maybe will meander over to the pharmacy tomorrow "just in case."

Bah, so I've started getting a bit more serious about my current job situation, specifically how to get into a better one. We'll see how it goes, but so far it has just brought back feelings of inadequacy and rejection. Reminds me of why I hated dating. I'm not into the game. I suck at the game. I am gameless. I just want to know if you like me or not. Also, not helping that a job I didn't even think I would be remotely qualified for was presented to me like, "well maybe this would work but I gotta check with The Boss" and now that I have that glimmer of hope I'm like MUST HAVE THAT JOB. PUH-LEEAASE. Will grovel for it maybe?

Dreams, lately my dreams have been...nostalgic. Disturbing. I wake up and hug my husband because nostalgia is overrated and my husband is the best man I've ever had in my life. It's weird when your subconcious is apparently still thinking about shit you thought was behind you. Kind of makes you want to punch your subconcious in the eye except it's just you at the end of the day so that would be counterproductive I guess.

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wingless was still breathing at 9:55 PM - 0 comments

Friday, January 29, 2010

no worries

I am sane(ish) today.

Was just feeling a little insecure last night. Nothing new.


wingless was still breathing at 2:32 PM - 3 comments

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

don't worry, be happy

Last night one of my coworkers from the NY office was killed crossing the street. Yesterday I could have called her and asked her to walk me through something (like she had so many times before) and today I could not.

It's a cliche, but damn, life is short.

Today I got an email from the managing director's assistant. She wanted to know if I'm free to meet with the hiring manager for another group in our office.


It would be a step up, but I'm not sure it's the direction I wanted to go in. Of course, we don't always get exactly what we want and would be a good move for me career-wise. And I have been telling anyone who would listen that I want a change, any change, that would get me out of ops and into the business side of things. And I know the MD has been pulling strings for me. So I should be am grateful for that.

I'm just never happy am I? I'm trying to leave it with God. Trying to hold onto that song I used to love as a kid.

I cast all my cares upon You
I lay all of my burden down at Your feet
And anytime that I don't know what to do
I will cast all my cares upon You

It's funny how as we get older we become more and more aware of how little control any of us have over anything (when you're little you think your parents control everything). And yet as we get older the harder it is to let go of the perception that you have control over everything.

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Monday, September 21, 2009

Day 6: a problem with no problem

Since I've been at my current job I've developed this verbal tic.

Most of my day consists of doing what other people don't want or don't have time to do. Obviously that sucks on many levels but on the flip side I have people saying "thank you" to me all day long. Just for doing my job. And sometimes I get free food. That part definitely doesn't suck.

Anyway, in response to the constant "thank you's" I tend to reply with "no problem" and I find myself saying this a lot. Sometimes I catch myself and will try to say "your welcome" or "anytime" but "no problem" has become almost a reflexive response to "thank you" for me.

It's probably just navel gazing on my part, but I often wonder if my superiors have noticed this and if it bothers them. When I analyze the response "no problem" I realize it is could be almost dismissive of thanks, as if to say, "eh whatever." Which, of course, is not how I mean it.

As usual, I am probably worried over something no one else gives a thought to (I am more important in my own mind than in reality), but still it has gotten to a point where it bothers me so I am going to make a conscious effort to say "you're welcome" from now on.

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wingless was still breathing at 4:37 PM - 0 comments

Thursday, April 23, 2009

girl talk (seriously the men probably want to avert their eyes)

So I'm somewhere between five to seven days late. Not quite sure because my cycle can normally be anywhere from 30 to 32 days long. What does this mean? Honestly, probably nothing. My cycle can be wonky and with the added stress of this house buying business I think my body is just throwing a tantrum. Also, I'm so pumped full of drugs even the mosquitoes won't bite me anymore.

I should probably be clear, Paul and I are not trying, in fact as much as I would love to start a family ASAP, we are actively preventing that from happening right now. My doctor recommends we wait as long as possible so I can be weaned off my meds on a timeline that I find far too cautious (i.e. slow). Not only are some of the meds extremely harmful to any potential baby that will have to live in my womb for nine months but even just being pregnant could lead to potentially serious complications (for both me and the pregnancy). I have been told in no uncertain terms that no matter how long I've been in remission, any pregnancy will be considered a high-risk one, monitored closely by a high-risk ob and probably a team of other types of doctors.

Which is funny (no, not really) since I am actually fine right now, health-wise, and have needed very little monitoring since the Q3 2008.

Anyway all of this puts me in the very awkward position of desperately wanting to be pregnant and have a baby, like now, while simultaneously making sure we take every precaution to prevent that exact thing from happening. And even though I'm sure this is probably nothing (yes, I did take an HPT today, it was negative) part of me is wondering what will happen if it isn't nothing. If it is in fact, something. Like a human being. In my uterus.

Part of me would certainly be overjoyed, but the other part? Terrified. Sad. Freaked the eff out.

Because as much as I do want a baby, it's more important to me to give that baby the best chance it has at being healthy and "normal."

You know, this is probably the only part about my condition that I have a really hard time accepting. In fact, for the most part, I've learned to see my condition as a blessing, something that makes me appreciate what a lot of young, healthy people don't. When things are good, like now, I don't take the little things like being able to hold a tooth brush or walking up a flight of stairs for granted. I take better care of myself because I have to and I feel good about it because I hope it means I'm protecting my body for the future. But as a young married woman, I just can't seem to get over the fact that my disease has made something so instinctive so utterly complicated. I can imagine myself as a normal, healthy person and I would feel nothing but overjoyed at the idea of being pregnant right now. But instead of being that person, I'm the person who has just written a long and rambly post about wanting to be something that I might be, and yet not being able to be happy about possibly being exactly what I want to be (huh??).

Maybe I lost you there. Don't worry, I lost myself too. Let's all just hope I get my period tonight and this post becomes just another one of those overly-revealing posts that I'll blush about tomorrow.

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wingless was still breathing at 6:48 PM - 0 comments

Wednesday, October 29, 2008


Just now I was walking home after drinks and another twelve hour day at work. As I was rounding the corner onto my street I saw an older woman with a dog collapse on the sidewalk.

No one else was around and it was behind a row of bushes blocking us from the street. I ran to her to see if she was okay, and she didn't seem to be able to get up, though she was conscious. Her dog was walking around her and licking her face and she was crying saying, "Oh my God" over and over again.

I knelt down beside her and started rubbing her shoulder asking if she was okay. Did she need me to call someone?

I asked her if she needed help?

She said yes. So I did the only thing I could think of. I called 9-1-1.

It's funny because my recurring nightmare is that I will call 9-1-1 and either no one will answer or they'll put me on hold, but they answered on the first ring. The woman who answered asked me a lot of questions, is she breathing? Is she conscious? Is she bleeding? Yes, yes and no. She asked me if I knew how old she was, I asked the woman and she said 56. The same age as my mother.

The paramedics arrived moments later and the dog began barking at them immediately. The woman said, no, no, I don't want the police. And I said, it's the firemen, they will help.

She started lift the upper half of her body off the sidewalk so she was propped up. Her legs still seemed as though she couldn't stand.

She said she didn't want them.

A big group of firemen surrounded us, and then paramedics came out of an ambulance not far behind. They said they recognized her, they had seen her the other night. One of the younger firemen told me they had it from here.

They seemed...cynical...but nice enough at the same time. They asked her if she'd been drinking. She said, no...then maybe yes. She seemed confused.

I got up. One of the older firemen nearby seemed to understand how shocked and disturbed I was. He was warm and gentle and told me they knew her, she drank and she fell down, they had seen her before. They would take good care of her. And he thanked me.

I walked off, dazed. She was the same age as my mother but looked older. While we were alone I had asked her if I could call anyone else for her, she said she lived alone. She kept saying she was so sorry, so sorry, and that I was so nice...and I told her she didn't have to be sorry at all....

I don't know?? Did I do the right thing? I didn't know what else to do, I was afraid she was hurt. But maybe she just needed someone, someone to talk to her, someone to care. Maybe that's why she drinks and falls down? Maybe I did the wrong thing, I don't know???

I hope I see her again. I hope I recognize her. I wish I hadn't just walked off when the emergency crew asked me to leave. I just wish I could have done something more since it now seems so clear she was looking for more than just physical help.

I just wish life wasn't this way.

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Monday, October 20, 2008

time for more crying re: my job.

Another day, another 12 hours of work interrupted only by mad dashes to the ladies room and that's pretty much it. It's starting to all feel really...pointless. Every day that goes by my hope for staying in the company wanes a little bit, maybe partly due to my impatient nature, but also just partly due to the attitude of my new coworkers from The Other Investment Bank (the one that my company took over but it totally feels as though it happened the other way around).

They are movin' on in with a quickness which makes us (I'm including my coworkers in this because we've had many a bitch session about this topic) feel like decisions have already been made and maybe we've been left out of them.

I don't know. As has been previously discussed quite thoroughly on this blog, I hate uncertainty and things couldn't be more uncertain at work than they are right now. And sadly even Fridays are tainted now because, of course, Fridays are when they're going to be giving people the boot.

All of these feelings are compounded by the fact that I am being absolutely crushed at work. Like completely soul-sucking, spirit-crushing, pounded into the dirt, overworked. A lot of people probably work 12 hour days quite regularly but I don't think other people work the way me and my fellow sales assistants have been working...nonstop...on Friday I literally only had time to RUN to the bathroom and then run back to my desk three times. I haven't been out in the sun on a weekday since I got back from Taiwan.

Sigh. Time for bed. So I can get up again and go to work at 5AM...I can only hope tomorrow isn't another 12 hour day but it probably will be. Wa..hoo...

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wingless was still breathing at 8:12 PM - 0 comments

Thursday, September 11, 2008

Seven years ago...

Somehow today was just another day. Except it wasn't. And it shouldn't have been.

I remember the complete trauma of this day seven years ago and I don't believe I am alone when I say seeing images from that day or hearing the stories still makes me cry.

All day, it felt wrong that there was no mention of what happened seven years ago. I wanted to bring it up but didn't know exactly what I wanted to say. It felt like everyone had forgotten.

Of course, that may have had something to do with the financial markets imploding all around us.

I am so tired.

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wingless was still breathing at 3:03 PM - 0 comments

Wednesday, August 06, 2008

catching up

I've been in a bit of a funk lately. Or falling into one maybe. Nothing in particular is going on...just life in all its hectic glory.

I don't know why I haven't felt like writing about any of it and so most of it has gone by without much of a mention here. For example, Paul and I almost bought a condo (twice actually!) but alas the only "housing crisis" in our neighborhood is that there apparently isn't enough of it. I'm pretty much okay with not being a homeowner right now because a) there is still so much uncertainty in the financial markets, who knows if our jobs are even as safe as we think? and b) being a half million dollars (plus) in debt frightens the hell out of me.

There's also been a series of random events at work which have started me thinking about my Career. And the Future. I do like my job and it's definitely kept me interested longer than any other job has in the past, but I can feel myself starting to hit a wall. At the end of the day it's still mainly an operations position and I know that it's only a matter of time before I start wanting more. In fact, I'm pretty sure I'm getting there. Contentment is so fleeting, it sucks.

So I guess I'm going to have to figure it all out soon...do I want to go to b-school? Find a new job? Do I have a decent shot at moving up into sales eventually if I stay? I'll be taking my licensing exam soon and I plan on having a casual chat with the managing director about all this shortly after...IF I can muster up the courage. I know that no matter how it goes my own self-doubt will make me torture myself by going over the conversation over and over and over again until my brain explodes and/or I'm breathing into a bag.

You know, I feel really lied to. When I was little, adults always made it sound like as long as you got into a good college, the rest would pretty much just map itself out. Then you get out of college and realize that it never ends...you're always wondering what the next step is.

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Sunday, April 13, 2008

the year of the perpetual cold

I've been sick as a dog for two straight weeks now and I'm starting to wonder if my facial orifices will ever stop leaking mucus. It's as though my brain has liquefied and is slowly draining out through my nose and throat (and ocassionally eyes).

Because I am somewhat of a masochist (as are all people crazy enough to work in this industry) I only missed one day of work and left early another day (by "left early" I mean I only worked eight hours). It all makes sense to me why I do it during the week but the weekend comes and I'm like, man, I am an idiot. The combination of overworking myself and being on immuno-suppressants is not making this sinus infection/cold an easy thing to get over...and is probably why it became a sinus infection to begin with.

All this makes me really question my ability to stay in this industry long-term. It's tough being in a position where you are really sick and really need the rest and yet really can't be away from your desk for more than one day in a row. While it's nice to feel like a necessary and vital person at work, it would be nice to take a day off and not feel guilty when I come back because everyone is complaining about what a crappy day they had yesterday.

I don't really have a point in writing all this, just wanted to complain a bit since I am sick and feeling crappy. The antibiotics definitely seem to be helping but have side effects of their own that are making me feel less than 100%.

Oh, and the Rockets really need to rally and put the beat down on those Denver Nuggets in the second half.

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wingless was still breathing at 7:00 PM - 0 comments

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

Of course, the money is nice

So, [knock on wood], I may soon be gainfully employed. And now that this offer is looming in my future and looks like a reality, a whole new can of worms has been opened up.

For instance, I've been so focused on finding a job, a particular type of job, with a particular type of company, in a particular industry that I forgot how much I hate working. Okay, I guess everyone hates working to an extent. Unfortunately, there seem to be very few people out there who work for the sheer love of whatever it is they do. But my problem is I've never been one to settle for doing something day after day that I don't absolutely love. Which is probably why I've bounced around into, now, four different industries. Industries that are basically completely unrelated to one another. I hope to God that I've finally found the right one, but how do I know until I try it? And let's face it, is there any entry level job that will keep my attention for more than three months?

I don't have the answer to any of these questions and being the control freak that I am this really bothers me.

What also bothers me is my deep love for sitting around in pajamas surfing the internet all damn day and the fact that this *job* I've been angling for, stressing for, hating myself for being unable to get...well it will take me away from my favorite hobbies: sleeping and doing absolutely nothing.

Of course the grass is always greener. As long as I'm unable to get a job I will want one. Because as long as I don't have one I will feel bad about what I do, which is nothing, and will grow weary of my dad asking me what my prospects are looking like. When I do finally get a job I will hate the monotony of my life and the eagerness with which I look forward to the weekends. I'm also starting to remember just how short those weekends are when you only get Saturday and Sunday off rather than the luxurious three, four, and sometimes even five day weekends that you take for granted when you're a student. Or how about this permanent weekend I've had since the beginning of May.

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