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"Being too charming was never one of my faults." - Kill Me Later
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save me, i'm lost
I am having a really hard time with this. For some reason I feel so much more defeated this time around. I think I am coming to the realization that what I have is not curable. After all this time, after five years, I think part of me was still clinging to the naive hope that I would finish up a course of medication and this would all go away. Like it was a sinus infection or something. I am just so tired of this. I'm tired of this being part of my life. I'm tired of the fact that I can't just decide to have a child with my husband like millions of other young women my age are doing right now. I never really grieved when I was diagnosed. I don't know if I felt like I needed to. I don't think I really understood the effect it would have on my life. I knew I was sick, I knew I would need medication, probably for years, but I was so young. I was only twenty-two, just graduated from college, still working my first job. Paul and I weren't even engaged yet, we had only been dating a few months. I wasn't imagining getting pregnant or what it would be like to be a parent with this disease. I think that is the other thing that has been bothering me lately. I wonder how I can be a parent when I get tired so easily? I wonder how I can stay up all night with a newborn or a sick child when even one night with too little sleep causes me so much pain the next day. How can I do it? Can I do it? And yet.. I want to be a mother. I want Paul to be a father. He will be an amazingly wonderful father, I know it. And I don't want to feel like I failed him. I don't want to continue failing. It is important to my husband to have biological children (he is very open to adoption but he has always been very honest about his desire to have biological children as well) and I don't think it is wrong for him to feel this way. I know he will love me even if I can't give him biological children, but I don't know if I will ever be able to forgive myself if that happens. If for some reason it turns out that I can never carry children, I will always know that if he had just chosen someone else he would have easily had what he wants. This time just feels different. This "flare" feels like a wake up call. I'm helpless in all of this. The doctors don't really know what they're doing, at this point I probably know almost as much as they do about this disease. This may never go away. All I can do is pray it does. Pray for supernatural healing. Labels: Baby talk, Depression, i don't feel so good
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I'm so sorry you're going through such an indescribably difficult time right now. I myself also have incurable health problems that will affect our ability to have children. And while they are not the same, what I often remind myself of when I feel this way is....I didn't think I could get through college and I did. I didn't think I could have the energy for a job and a relationship and I do. So if I can do this, then if I'm so lucky as to have a child, then I can be a parent as well. You have the strength in you and I know it is so incredibly difficult to see sometimes. But I know that you'll find a way to realize your dreams. My thoughts are with you and I send you all the strength and love that you need to get through this. *Hugs*
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Thank you so much for your kind words and encouragement. I'm not glad that you understand how I feel, but I'm glad to hear from someone who understands, if that makes any sense =) (My clumsy way of saying it sucks that we both have to go through something like this!) I hope that someday we will both be blessed with the gift of being called mommy =) (c) 2001-2006 transcended.net - all rights reserved |
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