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Sunday, February 28, 2010

nothing charming about this story...

Really?? I understand that sometimes divorce happens even when a couple has tried really hard to make things work. But now we're celebrating infidelity too? This couple should be ashamed of themselves. Obviously, though, they are not.

The only redeeming thing about this article is that the majority of the commenters seem just as appalled as I am.

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wingless was still breathing at 6:50 PM - 0 comments

Thursday, February 25, 2010

still small voice

Not sure what to say today. Am feeling relatively balanced. And tomorrow will be Friday. I just need to regroup.

What do you see when you look at your world today
Is it so full of clutter that you feel like you’re going insane
And you can’t fight back cause you’re just too afraid
And it seems like the clouds in your sky don’t wanna change

You see there’s always another story, another side to every coin
And how you see your circumstance is all about a choice

When you see the rushing wind, feel the pouring rain
Hear the thunder now as the clouds roll in
You’re blinded by the lightning
Do you also hear that still, small voice saying
It’s okay you’re not alone
You may be scared to death but I won’t let you go
You may think the sky above is falling
But can you hear Jesus calling

What do you see when you look at your world today
Do you see a glimmer of hope, or has it all turned to gray
Well start by counting your blessings one by one
Oh and I’m sure right there, you’ll start to see the sun
You see there’s always another story, another side to every coin
And how you see your circumstance is all about a choice

Because the darker the night, the brighter He can shine

- Jesus Calling by 33 Miles

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wingless was still breathing at 8:26 PM - 0 comments

Hit-run victim's weeping brother at arraignment

Oh honey, these sub-humans always plead not guilty.

What I can't understand is why the "woman" (and I use that term very loosely) who instigated the whole thing is out on bail. Shouldn't she be charged with at least accessory to murder or something? Since a murder was committed during the commission of another crime/felony?

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wingless was still breathing at 6:47 PM - 0 comments

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

best laid plans

First thing, thank you Todd and Parijat, you have no idea how much your comments have done to lift my spirits.

I really am feeling better today. I had a bit of bloodletting last night, no blood, just lots of tears. I think Paul was caught a bit off guard even though I'm pretty sure he suspected how depressed I've been. When I woke up Monday morning and announced I was not going to work, I woke up several hours later to find him sitting on the couch in his pajamas. Since we both normally have to be coaxed into staying home from work even when feverish and near-death (it's not that we love our jobs but more that we are both sort of workaholics) this was all kind of weird. I got the feeling he did not want to leave me home alone in an apartment full of sharp pointy objects.

Last night I just started crying. Nothing happened. I just couldn't hold it in anymore and it started off as just a tear in my eye and quickly progressed into wailing and gnashing of teeth. Paul handled it perfectly and just held me and didn't say much until I finally unloaded all these feelings of failure and frustration and disappointment on him. Somehow he resisted the male instinct to "fix" things (although maybe in this case all men would wisely realize that would be a Very Bad Idea) and stayed within the realm of just being comforting. Eventually I fell asleep. This morning I woke up and felt better, both physically and mentally, went to work puffy eyes and all. Luckily I work with a bunch of dudes and no one noticed.

I have been having dreams about my ex, The Marine, these last few nights. Nothing inappropriate, he has just been there. They have been unsettling dreams. Not unhappy dreams, but not happy either. Today while my mom and aunt were here doing "energy healing" on me (another story for another day) I think I realized why I've been thinking about him.

I can't say that when he broke up with me it was completely out of the blue. I knew that since he had come home and rejoined "normal" we weren't really on the same page anymore. I think I was still imagining some storybook romance where the hero comes home from war and marries the gal that waited faithfully and then they have two kids, a dog (or cat) and a white picket fence. Okay, so that's not exactly what I had pictured, but I did have a pretty clear picture of my life with him in it. I had A Plan.

So when he clued me into the fact that despite all my best planning, he was not on board with the plan, I was crushed. So crushed I didn't shower, or leave the house, or eat for three days and my best friend had to drive three hundred miles and collect the pieces that were left of me into her car and take me home.

Is it wrong for me to sort of compare these two situations? Not that the whole breakup thing is anywhere near as devastating or traumatizing, but merely to show that I am a Planner and I tend to go ape-shit-bananas when my plans get jacked up. These are the only two times in my life where I felt quite assured that my best laid plan not only made sense but was completely achievable. Only to have my dream beaten to an unrecognizable pulp.

What do you do when life decides it does not care for your Outlook Calendar or your schedule or your timeline or pretty much anything else that helps you feel like you are in control? What do you do when life, like an insolent teenager screams at you "STOP TRYING TO CONTROL ME" and then hurls something at you just for good measure.

All you can do is that. Just stop. After initially falling apart, I quickly realized that my ex did not want what I had planned and there was no reason to agonize over it and sooner rather than later I was over it. My life moved on quickly and part of me was still pissed that the plan was dead, but I knew that soon enough there would surely be a new plan.

What makes this time harder is, I don't know if I have a plan anymore. Or what it is. Or if I should just stick my finger in my ears and go lalalala for now until I've got this all figured out.

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wingless was still breathing at 7:53 PM - 0 comments

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

save me, i'm lost

I am having a really hard time with this. For some reason I feel so much more defeated this time around. I think I am coming to the realization that what I have is not curable. After all this time, after five years, I think part of me was still clinging to the naive hope that I would finish up a course of medication and this would all go away. Like it was a sinus infection or something.

I am just so tired of this. I'm tired of this being part of my life. I'm tired of the fact that I can't just decide to have a child with my husband like millions of other young women my age are doing right now.

I never really grieved when I was diagnosed. I don't know if I felt like I needed to. I don't think I really understood the effect it would have on my life. I knew I was sick, I knew I would need medication, probably for years, but I was so young. I was only twenty-two, just graduated from college, still working my first job. Paul and I weren't even engaged yet, we had only been dating a few months. I wasn't imagining getting pregnant or what it would be like to be a parent with this disease.

I think that is the other thing that has been bothering me lately. I wonder how I can be a parent when I get tired so easily? I wonder how I can stay up all night with a newborn or a sick child when even one night with too little sleep causes me so much pain the next day. How can I do it? Can I do it?

And yet..

I want to be a mother. I want Paul to be a father. He will be an amazingly wonderful father, I know it. And I don't want to feel like I failed him. I don't want to continue failing. It is important to my husband to have biological children (he is very open to adoption but he has always been very honest about his desire to have biological children as well) and I don't think it is wrong for him to feel this way. I know he will love me even if I can't give him biological children, but I don't know if I will ever be able to forgive myself if that happens. If for some reason it turns out that I can never carry children, I will always know that if he had just chosen someone else he would have easily had what he wants.

This time just feels different. This "flare" feels like a wake up call. I'm helpless in all of this. The doctors don't really know what they're doing, at this point I probably know almost as much as they do about this disease. This may never go away.

All I can do is pray it does. Pray for supernatural healing.

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wingless was still breathing at 5:28 PM - 2 comments

Sunday, February 21, 2010

the pee has hit the fan

I am so disappointed tonight. In myself. In my body. For something I'm not even sure I really have any control over. But I still feel like I've failed somehow.

I got the results of my urinalysis back tonight (6pm Sunday evening, I love that they post the results online) and as expected, they look...bad. Pretty bad. Kind of downright awful and now I'm really dreading the blood test results (which will probably come back tomorrow). I'm also really dreading my doctors appointment tomorrow, it feels like I've just failed a math test and I have a meeting with the teacher or something.

It's so hard to express just how frustrated and disappointed I am right now. How hard it is to live with this stupid invisible disease. Being sick on the inside and looking fine on the outside makes it so people have no understanding at all on how painful it can be, both mentally and physically. I am crestfallen, I feel like I've failed and now I'm wondering if I will ever be able to get pregnant and have biological children.

We're supposed to go on a trip up to Tahoe with some friends in a couple week and I really don't want to go because I think this is a critical time for my body in terms of healing. I don't think I should be going up into high elevations which strains me during the best of times, and of course there will be a lot of drinking and staying up late and physical exertion. We will probably cancel and it's stupid but my main concern right now is, what will we tell people? People look at me and I seem to be perfectly healthy, because I can be most of the time, it's hard to explain why I have to be so careful without feeling like an invalid.

I don't even know what I'm trying to say right now, I think I just have all this pent up frustration about living with this damn disease and the lack of understanding there is in the general population of what it is and what people with lupus can and can't do.

I've always experienced this fear about telling people because I don't want them to think I am a liability at work (I'm not) or that it affects my career in any way (it doesn't and won't). But then when I'm pushed to do the same things as other people my age (go out, take trips, etc.) I don't know what to say. Because I do have to be so much more careful and aware...

And now I'm just freaked out over this whole trying to have a baby thing. Sigh. I'm trying to see the silver lining in this as being able to focus on adopting our first child rather than getting pregnant with one, but I'm also kind of sick of always having to find the silver lining in shit.

I wish I was a little kid so I could lie on the floor and cry and pound my fists and yell about how unfair this all is. I guess this blog will just have to suffice.

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wingless was still breathing at 7:38 PM - 2 comments

The Ground Zero Outrage

Having just returned from Las Vegas, where they're in the final stages of completing their City Center project and several new hotels have sprung up since our last trip out there four years ago (including The Trump where we stayed) I am having a really hard time getting my mind wrapped around this.

The fact that Ground Zero is still just a big hole in the ground really is a national disgrace.

As we wrapped up the filming in the pit and the crews were putting away their gear, I thought ground zero had been victimized again, this time by a lack of leadership.

I don't even know what else to say.


wingless was still breathing at 5:24 PM - 0 comments

Friday, February 19, 2010

do these a-holes ever plead guilty?

I heard about this story from a friend the day after it happened. It's definitely one of those that makes you scratch your head and wonder, what in the hell is this world coming to?

A 15-year-old boy has been charged as an adult in the shooting of a woman driving an ice-cream truck in Vallejo, authorities said...

Kaur, a widow raising three children, was found slumped behind the wheel of a Tony's Ice Cream truck...She had been shot in the chest.

You can tell when you read the comments section of articles about local crime that even people in the bluest area of a dark blue state are getting sick and tired of being preyed upon by thugs and gang bangers that are coddled by a justice system that has been destroyed by the likes of Kamala Harris (San Francisco's alleged district attorney). Granted, this didn't occur in SF (although this and this did) but let's face it, most of the DA's in the Bay Area have the same beliefs about crime and punishment...which is to say they don't really believe in much punishment (see this old case about the Bologna family tragedy - by the way the family is now suing the city and I hope they win).

I'm a bit out of practice with writing about these sorts of things so you'll have to pardon my dust if this doesn't come out quite as eloquently and well-organized as I'd like.

First, I am really glad that the DA in this case has decided to charge the suspect as an adult. As you can probably tell, I've grown pretty cynical of the "justice" system here in the Bay Area so I wouldn't have been that surprised had they decided to charge him as a juvenile. My guess is that this case has received such an outpouring of interest and anger due to the extremely sympathetic victim (immigrant widow working hard to raise her three children on her own) that the DA simply could not do anything but charge as an adult or face certain public wrath.

But I've seen stranger things happen here in the Bay Area, so kudos to the DA for at least getting this right.

I thought it was totally bizarre that some of the commenters (a very very small percentage) seemed to suggest that this kid might somehow be rehabilitated. As though, robbing and shooting the ice cream truck lady could be just a childhood indiscretion, a "mistake" that anyone might make during the adolescence.

Um, I don't know what kind of adolescence those people had but mine certainly didn't include shooting innocent hard working people while committing armed robbery. By fifteen if you don't know this is wrong, I think it's pretty safe to say that you will never know it's wrong.

Going off on a tangent for a moment, I've always wondered why it is that the penalty for attempted murder tends to be lighter than the penalty for murder. To me, if the intent was the same why shouldn't you be penalized just as harshly? You would have killed someone, you just failed at it. Why should you be rewarded for failing? It makes no sense...Like this guy? He should be eligible for the death penalty imho.

Anyway, one of the comments in particular that annoyed me was one where the commenter made some snide remark about wondering where the pro-lifers were to defend this scumbag. Because yes, innocent babies and murderous scumbags, totally the same thing. Why is it that when people argue against the death penalty, liberals never come out and wonder why these same people don't protest abortion? Oh that's right...because to them it's more important to protect thugs who shoot innocent women for a couple bucks than it is to protect innocent babies from being drowned in saline or ripped limb from limb out of the womb. Personally I believe in the death penalty and I dislike the idea of abortion. I think we as a society need to err on the side of protecting innocent life, but I could give a damn about scumbag murderers who don't even deserve to be called human anymore based on their own choices and actions.

I'm praying for Mrs. Kaur to have a speedy and full recovery, and that somehow God will heal the emotional scars that something like this must come with...both for her and her children.

EDITED TO ADD: Unfortunately this article just proves my point about the California no-justice system.

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wingless was still breathing at 7:26 PM - 0 comments


This week was the longest short week ever. And since I took Tuesday off, it was only a three day week for me, and yet somehow it felt like it was six days long. Funny how that is.

I was looking for some old posts about Valentine's day and in going through my archives I realized that it's been just a little over five years now since I was first diagnosed with lupus. Crazy. It feels like it's been a part of my life forever and yet when I think back really hard, I remember I had twenty-two years PL (pre-lupus). I remember what it was like to live life as a young person and not to think so hard about your body all the time.

Physically, this week has been a rough one. Maybe it was all the stress I let build up last week over work and The Snub. But this week was really hard. I slept a decent amount in Vegas, we never stayed out past midnight and I took baths and let myself sleep in til ten in the morning. Ten! Waking up for our early flight Tuesday morning was rough, but I got home and slept until I had to go tutor at 3pm and I was still exhausted. I can just feel something in my joints. I can feel something is not quite right.

I tried to lie to myself last week after I couldn't get a good bp reading. I was like, I do everything right! I don't party, I eat okay, I don't smoke, I get my eight hours every night...But okay, I do have a glass of wine more often than I should. Which really is probably the last really bad thing I do to my body that I really shouldn't be doing. For lent I decided to give up soda, and not for lent, but just for me, I plan to quit drinking for awhile too. Don't get me wrong, I'm not an alcoholic, I don't drink every day or feel the need to drink every day. But I'll have a couple of glasses of wine a few times a week or more than that when I am with friends who are drinking, and with my pre-existing condition, I do feel like it could be negatively impacting my health more than it would for someone without this condition.

Maybe I can't control this, but I guess I still feel like maybe I can and I have to try.


wingless was still breathing at 3:43 PM - 0 comments

Thursday, February 18, 2010


Ugh. I hope I'm being paranoid, I really do. I think my feet are starting to swell. They're not really swollen, but they definitely don't feel or look right.

Did you know when you are swollen your limbs will likely look weirdly shiny? And you will feel strangely squishy?

Probably not. But that's okay. I don't want you to know what it looks or feels like. I just wish I didn't either.


wingless was still breathing at 8:56 PM - 0 comments

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

testing, testing

It must have been August 2007. I can't believe it's been two and a half years. I think that was the last really bad flare I had (excluding a mini-flare that next spring).

My feet swelled up to the point where I couldn't fit them in my shoes and the skin was stretched so tight it ached. My blood pressure sky-rocketed. At one point I think I gained about forty pounds in water weight. It was ridiculous. And also kind of gross.

For awhile I was really good about taking my blood pressure at least a few times a week (yes, just like your grandmother probably does) and then eventually I just stopped worrying about it. Last week is the first time I've had a bad reading in months, maybe years and since then I haven't had one really good reading. And I'm scared shitless. It might all be in my head but I have just felt *off* since then. I feel like I'm swelling up even though I'm not. I have headaches. My skin feels tingly and sometimes my hands feel numb.

Yes, it's probably in my head.

But I don't think the high blood pressure is. I'm getting my bloodwork done this weekend and I'm really scared to see the results. I keep telling myself it is what it is and there's nothing I can do about it at this point. But I'm praying that I'm wrong and that I am pleasantly surprised. If not, then maybe this is God pushing me to explore something else for now.

A perfect example of how impatient I am, I'm tempted to go to the clinic ahead of schedule and get my tests done early just because I hate waiting!

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wingless was still breathing at 7:14 PM - 0 comments

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

blah blah blah

Last week I wanted to write a post about how disillusioned I've become with certain things involving my career and company. But then, on Thursday we had our first meeting with Dr. Bigshot - our new high risk obgyn who will hopefully be our guide through this whole crazy process which sounds to be full of lots of testing and blood draws and all shenanigans involved in high risk pregnancies.

Overall the doctor seemed pretty positive but the thing that personally has me freaked out was my blood pressure reading at the beginning of the appointment. And then they thought maybe they'd try it again at the end but it was still high!! Since then I've been testing at home and while it's a little bit lower it's still way too high.

It just brings me back to the last time I flared when my bp was off the charts and I'm afraid that this is what's happening and that when I see my doctor he will think that this means I can never taper off my meds, ever, and ahhhhhh.

Rarely do I hate this disease but now I'm just terrified. Terrified that my whole "plan" is being derailed by none other than my crappy body. And I feel like I have no control over it, no way to know, no way to plan. What the hell should I do!! Thinking of doubling up on my high bp medication because maybe I really am just stressed the fuck out right now what with all the shit going on at work....Maybe this doesn't have to be my freaking body destroying my own kidney...right?? RIGHT?

Sigh. I went to Vegas too by the way but I'll go over that when I'm a little more coherent and less sleep deprived.

Happy belated V-day everyone and especially to my wonderful husband who knows I don't really care but bought me flowers anyway...And they're purrty...

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wingless was still breathing at 7:43 PM - 0 comments

Tuesday, February 09, 2010

Changing World - Kutless

I generally think of myself as a pretty smart person, but I gotta say I feel pretty stupid spiritually. I feel like I'm constantly relearning the same lessons in life.

I thought I had it all under control
I thought my fate was still in my hands
All of my plans were firmly set
By the words that I say

Why is it so hard to remember that I'm not the only one with a plan for my life, not the most important plan for my life anyway.

I forgot how quickly things can change
Now my vision can not be the same

Sometimes I'm not even sure what it is I have planned for myself. What I'm aiming for, what I want out of all of this. Why do I struggle so hard and feel so crestfallen when things that ultimately I'm not sure are meant for me pass me by? Maybe that is God's will for me and not earthly "success."

My life is not what I thought
I'm not where I planned to be
Though something's gone
There's nothing wrong with my changing world
Though something's gone
There's nothing wrong with my changing world

I need to let go of my destiny
I need to trust in things unseen
I believe in having faith
Though I yield my control

I forgot how quickly things can change
Now my vision can not be the same

I'm embracing all of my fears
I am watching them turn to delight
The very fears which were gripping my mind
Are now the hands shaping and sculpting my dreams

I'll have to figure the rest of this out tomorrow after a good night's sleep.

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wingless was still breathing at 3:03 PM - 0 comments

Monday, February 08, 2010

it's not you...

Today was, shall we say, not great. Lots of stuff I don't particularly feel like discussing at length, not yet anyway. Job related unpleasantness, really nothing horrible just terrible disappointment and that "will I ever amount to anything" nagging feeling.

Although I rarely complain about my race or gender being any sort of impediment to my career, I really do think that the typical Asian mentality/work ethic has kept me from being really aggressive about the things I want and feel I deserve. Like most Asians I labor under the theory that as long as I am good at my job and work hard that I will be recognized for it and rewarded accordingly. Unfortunately that is not always the case is it? The squeaky wheel gets the grease, as they say.

Which is not to say I haven't recognized or rewarded by my company, I have, I've been promoted, I've gotten raises, I've been given a lot without asking for it. But I'm not on the path I want to be on and I'm starting to question if I'm being strung along like when a guy is dating a nice girl, but he just doesn't want to marry her.


wingless was still breathing at 6:42 PM - 0 comments

Sunday, February 07, 2010


Exhausted. But can't sleep. Arrrgh.


wingless was still breathing at 9:00 PM - 0 comments

Thursday, February 04, 2010

lyrically speaking

Be strong in the Lord and,
Never give up hope,
You're going to do great things,
I already know,
God's got His hand on you so,
Don't live life in fear,
Forgive and forget,
But don't forget why you're here,
Take your time and pray,
Thank God for each day,
His love will find a way,
These are the words I would say
- The Words I Would Say by Sidewalk Prophets

When a Chinese girl and a Haitian boy
And an American child all share the same toys
There might be, there might be...
(There might be peace on earth)
- Peace on Earth by Todd Agnew

I'm working on a post. A really long one. Can't remember the last time I spent this long writing one post. Should be up soon. Maybe.

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wingless was still breathing at 8:52 PM - 0 comments

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