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Tuesday, February 16, 2010

blah blah blah

Last week I wanted to write a post about how disillusioned I've become with certain things involving my career and company. But then, on Thursday we had our first meeting with Dr. Bigshot - our new high risk obgyn who will hopefully be our guide through this whole crazy process which sounds to be full of lots of testing and blood draws and all shenanigans involved in high risk pregnancies.

Overall the doctor seemed pretty positive but the thing that personally has me freaked out was my blood pressure reading at the beginning of the appointment. And then they thought maybe they'd try it again at the end but it was still high!! Since then I've been testing at home and while it's a little bit lower it's still way too high.

It just brings me back to the last time I flared when my bp was off the charts and I'm afraid that this is what's happening and that when I see my doctor he will think that this means I can never taper off my meds, ever, and ahhhhhh.

Rarely do I hate this disease but now I'm just terrified. Terrified that my whole "plan" is being derailed by none other than my crappy body. And I feel like I have no control over it, no way to know, no way to plan. What the hell should I do!! Thinking of doubling up on my high bp medication because maybe I really am just stressed the fuck out right now what with all the shit going on at work....Maybe this doesn't have to be my freaking body destroying my own kidney...right?? RIGHT?

Sigh. I went to Vegas too by the way but I'll go over that when I'm a little more coherent and less sleep deprived.

Happy belated V-day everyone and especially to my wonderful husband who knows I don't really care but bought me flowers anyway...And they're purrty...

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