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Monday, March 08, 2010

i am damaged, at best

It's my own doing, but things are happening in a very strange succession around me right now. My blood pressure is not good today. I'm partially afraid that my legs are going to start swelling and instead of feet I will once again wind up with slabs of putty that sort of almost fit inside my shoes.

I just want to be...normal. I just want to be a 27yo woman worrying about turning 28. Worrying about normal routine career issues without the added bullsh*t about how to juggle health with work with desperately wanting to be a mommy but also not destroy my career.

I am rambling right now. It seems like lately that's all I can muster. When my head is on straight and I know I should try to write something logical and calm, I just...can't. And now at times like this where I am a mess (thanks Ambien!) I am ready to have all my feelings spilled over.

Can I tell you two things? I'm thankful. Thankful for so much I have, so many of the people in my life and the wonderful opportunities.....The other thing is that sometimes I feel so totally lost. Like I don't know where I'm going careerwise...will I forever be a back office peon monkey? Will I ever be more? And like about becoming a mother, will I slowly turn into one of those bitter old infertility bloggers (you know who you are)? Always wanting and feeling like it's my time and then it's not and the bitterness grows, rinse, recycle, repeat....

I need to find a way to turn this into something more structured....tomorrow.

broken heart, that's still beating

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wingless was still breathing at 8:47 PM -

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