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Sunday, March 28, 2010

RIP little man

Deandre Green was two years old. He liked to sing songs, scribble and cars.

He was beaten to death by his mother's (using that word VERY loosely) boyfriend last weekend and his father's family claims that both the police and DCFS were contacted in the months and weeks immediately prior to his murder.

The story is disturbing all the way around, but what particularly struck me was the part where the father brought the baby to the police department in order to report the bruises on his body and he was basically threatened. It sounds like the father, though young, was essentially a responsible father and member of society. He was not some drug dealing lowlife, he had a steady job as a baggage handler and loved his little boy very much. In fact it was his desire to do things the "right" way that tragically led things to unfold the way they did.

Now, I don't usually like to bring race into things, but for some reason in this case I feel that there is a strong possibility that race played a role in what happened. And maybe not just race, but also the age of the father.

Think about it, if he had been a middle-aged white man and he had walked into that police station, do you think he would have been treated the way he was? And if he had, as a middle aged white man he would probably have been enraged by his treatment and demanded to speak to a superior. But, as a young black man I'm sure the fear of having the police not believe him and maybe even somehow turn this around on him was ever-present. Whether rightly or not, I think that many young black men in the US fear the police even if they are not doing anything wrong. Especially in Los Angeles. And maybe that's what happened here?

It makes perfect sense if you look at it through the lens of a young black man in LA, why he didn't push the police once they made it clear they did not believe him. As another commenter noted, this really could have been the moment when it all unraveled...sad..

I don't really have a point. I just found this story to be so incredibly sad...it's unimaginable to me that someone could look into this baby's big beautiful eyes and harm a single hair on his head. I pray for his father and that God will give him some measure of peace - though I'm sure he will be forever haunted by what he might have done to save his son. I hope that someday he will believe none of this is his fault. He did everything right and the system failed him.

I really feel like the failures here fall on the shoulders of Hawthorne police department, DCFS and of course the mother and her scumbag boyfriend.

I'm sure that the last two will rot in hell. I hope sooner, rather than later.

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wingless was still breathing at 7:58 PM - 0 comments

Monday, March 22, 2010

we now return to your regularly scheduled life

Interesting day. Plans are once again in disarray but in a good way this time. God reminding me that HE is in control and not me!

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wingless was still breathing at 7:24 PM - 0 comments

Friday, March 19, 2010

broken hearts become brand new

It's summer in March here in the city. It's awesome. Last Friday? It was storming. Today? Clear blue skies and sunny with just enough of a breeze.

I spent the day lounging in bed and then a nice lunch with the hubby and one of his buddies (who also happens to be a coworker). Ah, I love unused vacation days from the previous year that absolutely MUST be used up by the end of Q1.

The week did not start off so gloriously. Oh wait, it kind of did since I took Monday off too (and this coming Monday too, life is hard I know) but then it took kind of a super crappy turn for the worse when my re-test numbers came back and they were catastrophically awful - awful to the point where my doctor asked me to come into the office even though I couldn't make it in until two hours after his last appointment. Hm, that's never a good sign is it?

And then?

Well, it turns out the results weren't across the board bleak. In fact, upon closer inspection, they were a bit...odd. My blood tests were horrendous, urine test (sorry, tmi?) not so much. In fact, strangely better than the last test. So instead of ramping up the medication like I think everyone (me, my mom and my doc) thought was going to be the inevitable outcome of this emergency visit, instead we did a retest of the retest.

*drumroll please*

ALL tests have significantly improved and most are actually almost back to where I was four months ago when everything was peachy-keen.


My doctor is perplexed. He said the last tech who drew my blood must have somehow screwed up the draw or something happened with the sample. But that still doesn't explain why things are actually better than the original test that kicked off all the drama last month.

The only explanation I can think of is kind of kooky. My mom and aunt have gotten into this chakra healing thing (which is apparently old eastern medicine which has more recently been co-opted by the new age movement) and ever since my bad results they have been doing healing sessions with me, my mom has even been coming into the city once or twice a week. When my mom heard about it from my aunt she got really excited because supposedly a lot of lupus patients have shown a lot of improvement with regular treatments. I went along with it because I figured at the very least it wouldn't hurt anything (basically they sort of meditate with their hands over my energy points).

Anyway, I'm not getting my hopes up too high yet, but I must say, my feet look great. Even after my good results, I still felt like my legs were swelling all week because they felt heavy and bloated. My feet were starting to get discolored. But today my feet look totally normal and my legs feel normal again. Of course, that could be because I spent the bulk of the day laying in bed!

I’ve seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn’t ever end
Even when the sky is falling
And I’ve seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That’s what faith can do


wingless was still breathing at 5:13 PM - 3 comments

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

and i'll praise You in this storm

I got some more bad test results back today and briefly contemplated becoming a dark pit of gloom and doom again. Then decided against it.

Honestly, what's the point? It is what it is. C'est la vie. And stuff.

So I will not be getting pregnant anytime soon. I think I'm ok with that. Heck, at this point my numbers are starting to look so bad that I will be glad if my kidneys come out of this (relatively) unscathed. We are scaling back expectations here at transcended.net okay? Now we are just happy to be alive. Which is how it should be right?

I was sure by now
That You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say "Amen", and it's still raining
As the thunder rolls
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away


wingless was still breathing at 2:56 PM - 0 comments

Tuesday, March 09, 2010

Formosa Betrayed - go see it now, don't make me buy you the DVD for Christmas or your birthday because I will

Taking a short break from my writer's block to attempt to write about something important.

Formosa Betrayed

If you are Taiwanese or have any interest in Taiwan, please go see this movie. Excellent historically based drama that attempts to educate the world about little known atrocities which occurred on the tiny island.

In a lot of ways the moral of the story is similar to the story of the reign of various dictators the world over during the Cold War. The U.S chooses what is presumably the "lesser" of two evils and looks the other way while a brutal dictator pretends to be a friend of democracy while coldly slaughtering and terrorizing his "own" people. The story is not unfamiliar, but it has never been told about Taiwan before.

The subject is close to my heart because my mother's family is Taiwanese and believe strongly in Taiwan independence. The ironic thing about Taiwan independence is that historically China actually opposed Taiwanese calling themselves Chinese (they thought those peasant islanders were beneath them)...until the nationalists (also known as the Kuo Ming Tang - Chiang Kai Shek's party) fled to Taiwan during the Communist Revolution. Then, all of the sudden, Taiwan was absolutely part of China!

Also ironic is that my dad's family is KMT, my grandfather was actually a high ranking general, a member of the first graduating class of Chiang Kai Shek's military school in China. After his family fled to Taiwan he was given a prestigious post overseeing the entire port. He waited an appropriate amount of time and then resigned his post because he refused to participate in the rampant corruption and mob ties and was afraid that this would bring negative attention to him and his family.

The scary thing and the reason why Taiwanese are so grateful that this movie has been made is that no one knows what happened in Taiwan. No one knows that on 2/28/1947 the KMT kicked off a week of terror which ultimately resulted in the deaths of 20,000-30,000 Taiwanese intellectuals. The KMT government systemically murdered those who might ever pose a challenge to them, doctors, lawyers, journalists, businessmen, politicians, professors...the father of my eldest uncle's wife was a doctor and he actually had to flee to China (more irony, I know) to escape being killed by the KMT.

The government terrorized people to keep silent to the point where my own mother who was born only five years later said she never even heard about 2/28 until she came to the US. Her parents were too afraid to speak about it even at home.

The KMT was only a small group compared to the Taiwanese population but they used brutal tactics to bully themselves into power. They would not allow the Taiwanese to speak their own language, forcing them to learn Mandarin. There was massive discrimination, Taiwanese were not allowed to hold prestigious positions, those were reserved for the KMT. And so on and so forth...

Before WWII the Japanese ruled Taiwan. My mom always tells me that at first the Taiwanese were very happy when the Chinese fled to their island. They welcomed them like brothers. And then they realized that the Japanese had treated them better and wished they could have them back.

Maybe it's just a general lack of interest that America has for Asian history, but I'm constantly surprised that Chiang Kai Shek is not demonized the way Stalin and Hitler and others are. As President Truman believed, CKS is undoubtedly the reason China was lost to the communists. CKS had strong ties to the triads and was supremely corrupt, working only towards his own benefit. I hope history paints him for the depraved monster that he is.

And as weird as this is to say, I'm really grateful to James Vanderbeek and all of the people who had a hand in creating this important movie. It may not receive critical acclaim, but it is telling a story that absolutely needs to be told.

The truth about the history of Taiwan must be revealed to the world.

Please go see this movie.

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Monday, March 08, 2010

i am damaged, at best

It's my own doing, but things are happening in a very strange succession around me right now. My blood pressure is not good today. I'm partially afraid that my legs are going to start swelling and instead of feet I will once again wind up with slabs of putty that sort of almost fit inside my shoes.

I just want to be...normal. I just want to be a 27yo woman worrying about turning 28. Worrying about normal routine career issues without the added bullsh*t about how to juggle health with work with desperately wanting to be a mommy but also not destroy my career.

I am rambling right now. It seems like lately that's all I can muster. When my head is on straight and I know I should try to write something logical and calm, I just...can't. And now at times like this where I am a mess (thanks Ambien!) I am ready to have all my feelings spilled over.

Can I tell you two things? I'm thankful. Thankful for so much I have, so many of the people in my life and the wonderful opportunities.....The other thing is that sometimes I feel so totally lost. Like I don't know where I'm going careerwise...will I forever be a back office peon monkey? Will I ever be more? And like about becoming a mother, will I slowly turn into one of those bitter old infertility bloggers (you know who you are)? Always wanting and feeling like it's my time and then it's not and the bitterness grows, rinse, recycle, repeat....

I need to find a way to turn this into something more structured....tomorrow.

broken heart, that's still beating

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wingless was still breathing at 8:47 PM - 0 comments

Tuesday, March 02, 2010

try to put the pieces together, but perfection is my enemy

March? Where did March come from all of the sudden.

I am ok. Almost ok. Or something. Seriously though, I'm starting to grow in leaps and bounds in the whole "accepting it" thing. Life goes on and yadda yadda yadda. My life is not bad, in fact it's great in many ways and I'm choosing to acknowledge my blessings rather than dwell on the shit that sucks.

Today was my third official tutoring session and I'm realizing it's freaking hard to teach a kid for an hour. I can't imagine how teachers do this ALL. DAY. LONG.

They are crazy I tell you, just nuts.

Although...part of me does wish that I had more time to spend with them because one hour a week, while you're forcing a kid to read (ew, who wants to do that) is not very good bonding time and I believe you do have to bond with kids in order to teach them. So...we'll just have to see what happens.

I think it's now what, two weeks into lent? So far giving up soda has been difficult but I'm not exactly going through withdrawal. It's more like, gee a soda would sure hit the spot right now but guess I'll drink this cup of hot water instead....yum. Also does not help that my sweet wonderful thoughtful husband went out and bought a SODA MAKER (I kid you not) the day after I decided I was giving up soda for lent.

There will be a long post on adoption coming. I have written it in my head many times. Attempted to commit it into some words and felt like I failed to get my point across about a hundred times now. But I shall press on and hopefully at some point I will be able to explain...something...about...something...to..myself. Or something.

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wingless was still breathing at 9:11 PM - 0 comments

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