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I tend to feel very torn about what I should and shouldn't write here. It's not so much that I'm afraid the wrong people will read it (although that is always a concern) but more that I'm just not sure certain thoughts should be put out there into the world.

Most of the time it has to do with griping about my current employment situation (I admit, it hasn't always stopped me). I feel guilty in the current economic climate complaining about a job that I still have. One that pays me well, offers great benefits and overall would be a job that more people than not would happily take. I have worked hard to get where I am, but I am fully aware of the fact that the world is made up of a lot of people who have worked a hell of a lot harder for a hell of a lot less. In fact, come to think of it, I've worked a hell of a lot harder for a hell of a lot less (go back through my archives about five years to my fundraising days).

So I'm lucky, I've been blessed, and I know this. Mentally, I know this. The problem is that every day I go into the office and I kind of have this thought like I'm walking into a prison. Fair or not, that's just how I'm starting to feel. I'm so afraid of getting pigeonholed into the role I'm currently in, especially now that I'm staring at Year 3 of this. It sort of reminds me of a water-downed version of how I felt when I worked for Slumlord Properties and every morning I would say a little prayer that I'd get trapped in the elevator on the way up to my office just so I wouldn't have to face any of the tenants for a little while longer.

I like working and I like the industry but I want to continue progressing and I feel like I've had a door slammed in my face. The feeling has become more pronounced with the incident that happened a couple months ago. It's taken time for it to sink in but I've pretty much come to the conclusion that a lot of what has been said to me over the past year or so about my prospects for the future with The Company has been a load of horseshit. And I'm not okay with that. If I were twenty years older I'd probably be okay with it, but I'm young and stupid enough to believe that I can do more. Ambition is a bitch ain't it?

But I am stuck for now, I've put a lot of feelers out there but so far no bites. And I'm not prepared to quit. So I'm just in limbo. Feeling like I'm in a prison, but knowing that I should be happy (!) about what I do have.

Labels: the grind