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Friday, April 30, 2010

are we animals or not? make up yer damn mind

Strange conversation today with the brother of one of my coworkers. He gave an impassioned soliloquy about how humankind has veered off course and we need to get back in touch with nature. Hunt things and eat them. How people today are lost and depressed because we're not doing what our bodies think we should be doing.

Then later when speaking with a thirty year old female acquaintance he pontificated about how the whole idea of women needing to get married and have babies by thirty is a complete social construct that makes no sense.


If you believe in human evolution as a main driver for explaining our physical needs, you must see the reason for women having children sooner rather than later, no? Wouldn't this make the idea of having children (for women) before thirty, the opposite of a social construct?

Apparently not. Paul said I should have said something but I really did not care enough to pick a fight, particularly since the 30 something unmarried woman was there and she seemed nice enough and I did not want to say anything that might put her in an awkward spot. I just thought the whole thing was totally bizarre. Do people not realize your fertility starts to decrease at age 27 and takes a significant nosedive at 35?? This is just me on my soapbox but I really wish that more time was spent educating women about the correlation between fertility and age, rather than just a bunch of stories of 40+ year old celebs successfully having twins their first go round of motherhood. Do people really think it's that simple??

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wingless was still breathing at 9:48 PM - 2 comments

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

my version of ariel's part of your world

I tend to feel very torn about what I should and shouldn't write here. It's not so much that I'm afraid the wrong people will read it (although that is always a concern) but more that I'm just not sure certain thoughts should be put out there into the world.

Most of the time it has to do with griping about my current employment situation (I admit, it hasn't always stopped me). I feel guilty in the current economic climate complaining about a job that I still have. One that pays me well, offers great benefits and overall would be a job that more people than not would happily take. I have worked hard to get where I am, but I am fully aware of the fact that the world is made up of a lot of people who have worked a hell of a lot harder for a hell of a lot less. In fact, come to think of it, I've worked a hell of a lot harder for a hell of a lot less (go back through my archives about five years to my fundraising days).

So I'm lucky, I've been blessed, and I know this. Mentally, I know this. The problem is that every day I go into the office and I kind of have this thought like I'm walking into a prison. Fair or not, that's just how I'm starting to feel. I'm so afraid of getting pigeonholed into the role I'm currently in, especially now that I'm staring at Year 3 of this. It sort of reminds me of a water-downed version of how I felt when I worked for Slumlord Properties and every morning I would say a little prayer that I'd get trapped in the elevator on the way up to my office just so I wouldn't have to face any of the tenants for a little while longer.

I like working and I like the industry but I want to continue progressing and I feel like I've had a door slammed in my face. The feeling has become more pronounced with the incident that happened a couple months ago. It's taken time for it to sink in but I've pretty much come to the conclusion that a lot of what has been said to me over the past year or so about my prospects for the future with The Company has been a load of horseshit. And I'm not okay with that. If I were twenty years older I'd probably be okay with it, but I'm young and stupid enough to believe that I can do more. Ambition is a bitch ain't it?

But I am stuck for now, I've put a lot of feelers out there but so far no bites. And I'm not prepared to quit. So I'm just in limbo. Feeling like I'm in a prison, but knowing that I should be happy (!) about what I do have.


wingless was still breathing at 4:35 PM - 0 comments

Saturday, April 24, 2010


I was a little surprised by how I felt. Relieved, sure. But still, a little disappointed.

I know I shouldn't be. It would have put us in a tough place and forced us to make some decisions I really never want to have to make. And after all, I'm so close to it being the "right time." And by that, I don't mean financially or mentally because let's face it, who is ever really ready when it comes to those things? You can always be a little richer or a little more mature right?


wingless was still breathing at 11:46 PM - 1 comments

Friday, April 23, 2010

let's talk about

Last night I threw up my dinner in the bathroom sink. Yes, disgusting I know.

I did attempt to work today but ended up coming home after a couple hours because my stomach just wasn't feeling okay. Assuming I'm not preggo since I just got through an unusually heavy period (sorry, TMI?) but since we have a ton of money in our FSA to use up maybe will meander over to the pharmacy tomorrow "just in case."

Bah, so I've started getting a bit more serious about my current job situation, specifically how to get into a better one. We'll see how it goes, but so far it has just brought back feelings of inadequacy and rejection. Reminds me of why I hated dating. I'm not into the game. I suck at the game. I am gameless. I just want to know if you like me or not. Also, not helping that a job I didn't even think I would be remotely qualified for was presented to me like, "well maybe this would work but I gotta check with The Boss" and now that I have that glimmer of hope I'm like MUST HAVE THAT JOB. PUH-LEEAASE. Will grovel for it maybe?

Dreams, lately my dreams have been...nostalgic. Disturbing. I wake up and hug my husband because nostalgia is overrated and my husband is the best man I've ever had in my life. It's weird when your subconcious is apparently still thinking about shit you thought was behind you. Kind of makes you want to punch your subconcious in the eye except it's just you at the end of the day so that would be counterproductive I guess.

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wingless was still breathing at 9:55 PM - 0 comments

Thursday, April 22, 2010

Movie review: I Hate Valentine

Instead of studying, I watched I Hate Valentine when I got home from work today. I gotta say...don't watch it.

I love a good RomCom as much as the next chick but this one was just Not Good. In fact, Downright Bad is a better description. Bad dialogue. Not funny, it didn't even really have its moments. Even for a RomCom, it was much, much too cheesy. The storyline might have worked better with actors in their twenties (or at least actors that could pass for being in their twenties), but at pushing fifty it just wasn't remotely believable. It was kind of like watching Meryl Streep dancing around like a lovesick teenager in Mama Mia - awkward and a little bit creepy. Also, the actress (the one from My Big Fat Greek Wedding, which I liked) had this strange, fake smile plastered on her face the whole time and John Corbett just played the same guy he is in every movie except he didn't do it quite as well this time. He usually bores me but he seemed bored himself with this movie.

Anyway, the only slightly interesting moment for me was when she explores her deep-seeded issues about her dad cheating on her mom. Obviously that struck a bit of a nerve with me but I don't think they really did much with it, and even if they had it would have been a little deep for a RomCom.

In conclusion, don't waste your time. Leave that to me.


wingless was still breathing at 4:40 PM - 0 comments

Monday, April 19, 2010

RIP baby girl Sofia

I hate reading stories like this. They tend to get a lot of press because the idea is just horrifying and for a lot of people the natural reaction is to demonize the parents because deep down inside they fear that the same thing could have happened to them.

As someone who can be absent-minded at times, it is terrifying to imagine that parents who are generally excellent, loving, attentive parents can have something like this happen to them. Paul and I have already discussed these situations and how we will prevent against them (putting a stuffed animal in the car seat and placing it in the passenger seat when the baby is in the car seat). I cannot imagine the hell that parents who have lived through these types of tragedies must live in for the rest of their lives.

For some reason though, this particular story just doesn't sit right with me. In other cases I've read typically the parents are on their way to work, there is some sort of deviation from normal routines that leads to a tragic, but somewhat understandable (and thus terrifying) ending. In those cases it's understandable that both parents felt as though baby was safe and being cared for. In this case though, it doesn't quite make as much sense. Both parents were home. A seven month old that didn't cry for 12+ hours? That didn't need to be fed or diapered? Obviously I don't have kids but I'm at the age where a lot of people I know are having kids and my understanding is that a 7 month olds DEMAND attention. A lot of attention.

How do Mom and Dad both go to bed at night without even questioning whether or not baby is okay? I get that they are saying she was a light sleeper and so they didn't want to peak in, but still neither asks the other, "So did baby go down easily tonight?" or something along those lines? And stranger still, mom sleeps til 2pm while dad goes off to the gym? What about their two year old? Who was watching her? Neither of these children need to be fed between 11:30pm and 2pm the next day? Again, don't have a two year old but the ones I've been around don't let their parents sleep til 2pm pretty much ever. And infants need to be feed every few hours don't they? There are just so many things wrong with this story, I really hope the police do a careful investigation and their defenders don't simply hide behind the "it could happen to anyone" line...In a lot of these cases I think that's true, but in this case I don't think it could have happened to anyone who was a devoted, vigilant parent.


wingless was still breathing at 8:45 PM - 0 comments

Sunday, April 18, 2010

7in7 roundup

So how did my little experiment go? Mm...57% success rate.

1. Return heinous shirt to VS 4/15
2. Make doctor appointment 4/13
3. Apply to three jobs 4/13
4. Finish CFA Level 1 review
5. Pick up blanket from dry cleaners 4/15
6. Schedule dental cleaning & filling
7. Schedule next LHR treatment

I still think it was worth making the list because without it I probably wouldn't have gotten anything done at all. Now we will roll the items not completed into prominent positions for next weeks list.

It's been a rough weekend, don't really feel like going into all of it right now but surely will at some point. Suffice to say I'm tired and in some physical pain and am about two seconds from collasping into bed. Crap. I have to get up for work tomorrow don't I?


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wingless was still breathing at 8:19 PM - 0 comments

Monday, April 12, 2010

7 things in 7 days

Lately I have been having a really hard time doing all the things (outside of work) that need to get done. Or, really should get done anyway. So 7 in 7 it is...Here are the first 7 things I will have the pleasure of scratching off my list (or so I hope!).

1. Return heinous shirt to VS
2. Make doctor appointment 4/13
3. Apply to three jobs 4/13
4. Finish CFA Level 1 review
5. Pick up blanket from dry cleaners
6. Schedule dental cleaning & filling
7. Schedule next LHR treatment


wingless was still breathing at 8:31 PM - 0 comments

the fledgling

I spent the day before Easter Sunday laid up in bed feeling slightly under the weather. All afternoon I kept hearing this high-pitched repetitive noise. At first I thought it was Taz having some sort of asthma attack, or maybe even the sound of my own nose whistling from the congestion. It wasn't either of those things of course but I couldn't be bothered to figure out where the sound was coming from so instead I rolled over and went back to my nap.

Anyway, eventually Paul came home from running errands and was like WTF is that noise so I pulled back the blinds and lo and behold there was an odd looking bird walking around on our patio. After a bit of googling we realized that a fledgling pigeon had somehow found its way into our patio (which has extremely high, solid concrete walls and no access except from above) and was apparently not going to be going anywhere until it learned to fly. A debate ensued about whether or not to call animal control, which we eventually did and they were pretty much no help and told us just to leave it where it is.

I started mushing up cat food and leaving it on the patio for the bird because Paul and I were convinced it had delinquent parents. We never saw it eat, only other annoying pigeons coming to eat and poop (joy) but eventually this past weekend we actually saw one if its parents come and puke down its throat a couple times. Ah, the beauty of nature...or something. Actually it was mostly a really weird sight to see, like the baby was swallowing the adult birds head.

So far the little guy has survived ten days on our patio and two huge rainstorms. Every night it seems to completely pass out and every day it squawks for food pretty relentlessly. Even though Paul probably wouldn't admit it we are feeling sort of protective of the little fledgling and it's kind of neat to see him growing into a bird right before our eyes.

When we first found it I was pretty sure it was going to die. On our patio. And I was totally going to make Paul be the one to scrape its dead body off the concrete because, ew. But now I think we're both really looking forward to the day it finally figures out how to use those wings and fly away. Tonight I saw it standing on this small piece of wood that fell from one of the trees during a storm onto the patio and flapping its wings. It's practicing.

Maybe one of these days we will be walking down the street and it will poop on our heads.

Oh yeah, and we thought Taz might enjoy having a "pet" to look at since she's home alone during the day but she could really care less apparently. Birds have become so mundane to her now she can barely be bothered to look up from her nap.


wingless was still breathing at 3:35 PM - 0 comments

Sunday, April 11, 2010

you've come a long way baby (10yr bloggiversary)

Oh hey. Yup, still here.

First I got some spyware thing on my computer (I swear I was not surfing around on any sketchy sites, I maintain that I was on NBAdotcom when all hell broke loose) which required Paul to take over my computer for several days and when I came back everything had been wiped clean, including all my internet favorites (which I did forget to backup when I was backing up everything else, nice work Joyce).

Then my domain name expired and I admit, this is my own fault because they did send me several emails reminding me to renew and I was like, oh April 7th, I have so much time! Except then it was suddenly April 9th and er, yeah...

BUT, I'm back now and have suffered no consequences as a result of my forgetfulness so I will probably do the same thing again next year. Because honestly, I think this is what has happened almost every year for like the last nine years.

Holy cow people, do you realize I've been blogging for a DECADE?

My first blog was on geocities (do they even still exist) and it was probably actually more of a journal and I had to hand code and FTP each page. And when I changed the layout, I'd have to then go back and copy each old post into the new layout, page by page, and re-FTP the whole damn thing. (As an aside I'm ashamed to admit that my very first website had those tacky javascript snowflakes constantly floating down the page - don't judge me I was 17 and didn't know any better!).

Blogging has been very good to me over these past ten years. At times it has saved my sanity. At times, it has allowed me to go back and laugh at myself. It got me into graduate school (yes, really).

I started blogging during one of the hardest times of my adolescent life and through the years I've made some wonderful friends because of this site. This blog has seen me through my senior year of high school, college, more jobs than I care to admit, a graduate degree, Paris, boyfriends, depression, physical illness, recovery and of course the hubby.

I think I also went from thinking I was a liberal to being a pretty hardcore conservative on this blog. Funny.

Anyway, lately I've been feeling like my life is in flux. I don't know whether I'm coming or going, what to do about my career, what I should be focused on, where my life is heading, or even where to live (have I ever told you how much I hate house hunting?). But you know, ten years ago, did I see myself where I am today?


So I guess I just need to quit worrying and just get out there and keep living and keep writing about it.

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wingless was still breathing at 10:30 AM - 2 comments

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