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First thing, thank you Todd and Parijat, you have no idea how much your comments have done to lift my spirits.

I really am feeling better today. I had a bit of bloodletting last night, no blood, just lots of tears. I think Paul was caught a bit off guard even though I'm pretty sure he suspected how depressed I've been. When I woke up Monday morning and announced I was not going to work, I woke up several hours later to find him sitting on the couch in his pajamas. Since we both normally have to be coaxed into staying home from work even when feverish and near-death (it's not that we love our jobs but more that we are both sort of workaholics) this was all kind of weird. I got the feeling he did not want to leave me home alone in an apartment full of sharp pointy objects.

Last night I just started crying. Nothing happened. I just couldn't hold it in anymore and it started off as just a tear in my eye and quickly progressed into wailing and gnashing of teeth. Paul handled it perfectly and just held me and didn't say much until I finally unloaded all these feelings of failure and frustration and disappointment on him. Somehow he resisted the male instinct to "fix" things (although maybe in this case all men would wisely realize that would be a Very Bad Idea) and stayed within the realm of just being comforting. Eventually I fell asleep. This morning I woke up and felt better, both physically and mentally, went to work puffy eyes and all. Luckily I work with a bunch of dudes and no one noticed.

I have been having dreams about my ex, The Marine, these last few nights. Nothing inappropriate, he has just been there. They have been unsettling dreams. Not unhappy dreams, but not happy either. Today while my mom and aunt were here doing "energy healing" on me (another story for another day) I think I realized why I've been thinking about him.

I can't say that when he broke up with me it was completely out of the blue. I knew that since he had come home and rejoined "normal" we weren't really on the same page anymore. I think I was still imagining some storybook romance where the hero comes home from war and marries the gal that waited faithfully and then they have two kids, a dog (or cat) and a white picket fence. Okay, so that's not exactly what I had pictured, but I did have a pretty clear picture of my life with him in it. I had A Plan.

So when he clued me into the fact that despite all my best planning, he was not on board with the plan, I was crushed. So crushed I didn't shower, or leave the house, or eat for three days and my best friend had to drive three hundred miles and collect the pieces that were left of me into her car and take me home.

Is it wrong for me to sort of compare these two situations? Not that the whole breakup thing is anywhere near as devastating or traumatizing, but merely to show that I am a Planner and I tend to go ape-shit-bananas when my plans get jacked up. These are the only two times in my life where I felt quite assured that my best laid plan not only made sense but was completely achievable. Only to have my dream beaten to an unrecognizable pulp.

What do you do when life decides it does not care for your Outlook Calendar or your schedule or your timeline or pretty much anything else that helps you feel like you are in control? What do you do when life, like an insolent teenager screams at you "STOP TRYING TO CONTROL ME" and then hurls something at you just for good measure.

All you can do is that. Just stop. After initially falling apart, I quickly realized that my ex did not want what I had planned and there was no reason to agonize over it and sooner rather than later I was over it. My life moved on quickly and part of me was still pissed that the plan was dead, but I knew that soon enough there would surely be a new plan.

What makes this time harder is, I don't know if I have a plan anymore. Or what it is. Or if I should just stick my finger in my ears and go lalalala for now until I've got this all figured out.

Labels: Baby talk, Depression, i don't feel so good, Joyce likes wine, Life