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Wednesday, February 24, 2010

best laid plans

First thing, thank you Todd and Parijat, you have no idea how much your comments have done to lift my spirits.

I really am feeling better today. I had a bit of bloodletting last night, no blood, just lots of tears. I think Paul was caught a bit off guard even though I'm pretty sure he suspected how depressed I've been. When I woke up Monday morning and announced I was not going to work, I woke up several hours later to find him sitting on the couch in his pajamas. Since we both normally have to be coaxed into staying home from work even when feverish and near-death (it's not that we love our jobs but more that we are both sort of workaholics) this was all kind of weird. I got the feeling he did not want to leave me home alone in an apartment full of sharp pointy objects.

Last night I just started crying. Nothing happened. I just couldn't hold it in anymore and it started off as just a tear in my eye and quickly progressed into wailing and gnashing of teeth. Paul handled it perfectly and just held me and didn't say much until I finally unloaded all these feelings of failure and frustration and disappointment on him. Somehow he resisted the male instinct to "fix" things (although maybe in this case all men would wisely realize that would be a Very Bad Idea) and stayed within the realm of just being comforting. Eventually I fell asleep. This morning I woke up and felt better, both physically and mentally, went to work puffy eyes and all. Luckily I work with a bunch of dudes and no one noticed.

I have been having dreams about my ex, The Marine, these last few nights. Nothing inappropriate, he has just been there. They have been unsettling dreams. Not unhappy dreams, but not happy either. Today while my mom and aunt were here doing "energy healing" on me (another story for another day) I think I realized why I've been thinking about him.

I can't say that when he broke up with me it was completely out of the blue. I knew that since he had come home and rejoined "normal" we weren't really on the same page anymore. I think I was still imagining some storybook romance where the hero comes home from war and marries the gal that waited faithfully and then they have two kids, a dog (or cat) and a white picket fence. Okay, so that's not exactly what I had pictured, but I did have a pretty clear picture of my life with him in it. I had A Plan.

So when he clued me into the fact that despite all my best planning, he was not on board with the plan, I was crushed. So crushed I didn't shower, or leave the house, or eat for three days and my best friend had to drive three hundred miles and collect the pieces that were left of me into her car and take me home.

Is it wrong for me to sort of compare these two situations? Not that the whole breakup thing is anywhere near as devastating or traumatizing, but merely to show that I am a Planner and I tend to go ape-shit-bananas when my plans get jacked up. These are the only two times in my life where I felt quite assured that my best laid plan not only made sense but was completely achievable. Only to have my dream beaten to an unrecognizable pulp.

What do you do when life decides it does not care for your Outlook Calendar or your schedule or your timeline or pretty much anything else that helps you feel like you are in control? What do you do when life, like an insolent teenager screams at you "STOP TRYING TO CONTROL ME" and then hurls something at you just for good measure.

All you can do is that. Just stop. After initially falling apart, I quickly realized that my ex did not want what I had planned and there was no reason to agonize over it and sooner rather than later I was over it. My life moved on quickly and part of me was still pissed that the plan was dead, but I knew that soon enough there would surely be a new plan.

What makes this time harder is, I don't know if I have a plan anymore. Or what it is. Or if I should just stick my finger in my ears and go lalalala for now until I've got this all figured out.

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wingless was still breathing at 7:53 PM - 0 comments

Monday, May 25, 2009

you just don't know when to quit do you

Paul and I just returned after a four-day trip up the coast of California. My wonderful, amazing hubby planned the whole thing with almost zero input from me (since I kinda suck at planning things), I mainly served as a budget-sounding-board (i.e. How much should we spend on hotels?).

Even though our accommodations on the way up were amazing (no sleeping in the car for us!) I still didn't sleep very well due to the fact that I am very much like one of those grumpy old people who don't like to be away from their bed and their things, etc...

Long story short, now that we are home and have to go back to work at the butt-crack-o-dawn tomorrow, I decided an Ambien is in order (especially since Paul will undoubtedly be up til past my bedtime watching the NBA playoffs.

Ok, so I remember there was some point I wanted to make when I started writing and then one thing led to another and here I am?

I think I was going to write about how I managed to watch a large part of the Jon and Kate Plus 8 marathon while we were away and damn it. I want kids. I don't want eight. But two or three would be really awesome. But you know what? I'm really not coherent enough right now to go down this path on this blog. This topic deserves to be written by someone who isn't in a state where she is easily distracted by shiny objects...like Lamar Odom's head on the tv screen.

Which brings me to the other thing this post might have been about...I hate the Lakers. I don't really know if the Nuggets can take them down, esp since they gave home-court back in the last game, but you know, they've proven they can win in LA so....gah....blaahhh...

Just so you know, the last time I wrote a post while drugged up on sleeping pills, I literally forgot I wrote it for months until one day I was like eh? What is this? And it even had a COMMENT on it (Hi John! I keep meaning to write you and tell you that your little note meant a lot to me but then it was sooo long after you actually wrote it I also felt a bit silly....). And then it came back to me like your memories after a long night of drinking and doing crap you'd much rather just forget all about. Except in this case, I was just sort of embarrassed that I couldn't remember having written all that....

GAH! *taping my own mouth shut now*

Let's talk in the morning.

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wingless was still breathing at 8:12 PM - 0 comments

Friday, April 24, 2009

quietly driving myself insane

So I'm still here in Where-Is-My-Period hell and because I am a horrible person I am waiting for it with a glass of wine. I thought I had a sighting this morning but it turned out to be a false alarm so we are now T minus 6-8 days and counting. But who's counting right? (Oh yeah, ME).

I'm still 99% sure I am not pregnant (hence the glass of wine, though I did pour myself a small glass) but I am also sort of mentally cataloging all the things I've done in the last month or so that one is not supposed to do while gestating. And I'm talking beyond the aforementioned Class D drugs (also known as drugs with High Fetal Risk, all caps, just like that, look it up).

Imagining for a moment that this gestation business has been going on since Hawaii, there has been plenty of alcohol, sitting with smoking coworkers, allowing my husband to smoke his Cubans in the apartment and even taking a couple puffs, raw oysters, raw fish, at least one can of Coke a day, sleeping pills here and there, I'm pretty sure one tablet of Sudafed, and oh dear God, please let me get my period NOW because if I don't, this kid is doomed. Oh yeah, and I've been scooping the litter box and accidentally touched some cat poo the other day. Great.

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wingless was still breathing at 5:46 PM - 0 comments

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

now i know why people in this industry drink so much

Oh hai.

I is still alivez...sort of. And drinking lotz of wine.

Work is still The Suck. But I've decided maybe not to bitch about it so much anymore because surprise, surprise, it's not making things any better!

In fact, somehow every day manages to be worse than the one before.

Whatever, red wine is my frendz 4eva.

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wingless was still breathing at 7:00 PM - 0 comments

Monday, November 05, 2007

the best thing about brunch

On Sunday morning Paul asked for a mimosa made with fresh squeezed orange juice. Am I a good wife or what? (Although my mom might not consider making my husband an alcoholic beverage before noon proper wife behavior). (And really, let's face it, I just wanted one myself too!).

Why am I awake when I have to be at work in six hours? Who the hell knows...

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wingless was still breathing at 10:53 PM - 0 comments

Monday, May 28, 2007

Happy Memorial Day

The long weekend came and went way too quickly. Paul came up and we went apartment hunting and thought we had found a great place until we came home and looked at the reviews which all screamed, "Horrible neighborhood, lots of prostitutes." And also, "Run by slumlords." So we decided to go with option number two which also got some bad reviews but mostly about thin walls, noise and mean property managers, but the lack of sex trade issues made it the winner.

Other than that we did a lot of running around and taking naps at random hours of the day and now Paul has probably landed in LA, my mom and grandma are flying to Taiwan tomorrow and the house will be generally empty which will make me sad and probably drink wine in the morning.

Luckily I'll be flying to LA this Saturday to deal with flowers/dress/DJ/hair/makeup and any other wedding issues that need to be addressed. Oh and driving Paul's car up because we're movin' on up!

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wingless was still breathing at 8:31 PM - 0 comments

Sunday, May 20, 2007

More proof that I've mastered the art of over-dramatizing

It may be all that pear liquor and red wine and other random things I might have ingested in my intoxicated state (DON'T JUDGE ME) but I'm exhausted and completely ready for bed. And fully aware of the fact that it is not even six yet. And also contemplating another glass of...something. I am not an alcoholic. Really!

I spent most of the afternoon trying to convince Paul not to put ridiculously expensive things on our registry and (mostly) succeeded. Although there is still a $1500 treadmill on there. And a lot of random computer parts. I tried. And being the lush that I am I convinced him we must have a wine rack. Must. Have. Also, memory foam slippers. And also a Kenneth Cole wallet because look how cheap! I'm probably making it sound like we don't have a lot of actual wedding registry type items on our registry but we do. I swear. Skillets and sauce pans and a lamp and a convection oven and all that good stuff.

Tomorrow my job search begins again in earnest. The advice I have been given by my mom and grandma mainly consists of "Take it easy, Paul has a job." I plan to take that advice. Pfft, yeah right. Anyone who reads this blog knows I am a basket case when it comes to looking for work. It's not because I necessarily really want a job per se, but just because I really, really hate rejection and tend to go all psycho obsessive in the face of rejection. I imagine "taking it easy" will consist of writing five increasingly desperate sounding blog posts a day about how I will never find a job and end up a bag lady in San Francisco.

Which doesn't even really make sense since Paul DOES have a job and at worst we will probably just end up living in a really crappy apartment on the wrong side of town and I will be too scared to even leave the house and so will just turn into a pasty white, mole-like animal who must be coaxed into sunlight with beef jerky treats or something.

Yup, that sounds about right.

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wingless was still breathing at 5:43 PM - 0 comments

A public service announcement

Currently feeling: Very disappointed in the pear liquor I bought on a whim during my last day in Paris because when am I going to be in France again?

And yes, it is 12:17 pm on Sunday afternoon DON'T JUDGE ME. I've also had three glasses of wine. California merlot. Which is sadly not measuring up to the 4 euro, corner market Bordeaux Superior I've grown accustomed to.

Note to parents/husband: Do not leave me with no food (other than a can of baby corn and two bags of Southwest Honey Roasted Peanuts), no car keys, lots of liquor and no cable television on a Sunday afternoon.

On the productive side I did finally add things to our wedding registry. Anyone interested in buying me us stuff can email me for the link.

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wingless was still breathing at 12:17 PM - 0 comments

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