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Friday, April 23, 2010

let's talk about

Last night I threw up my dinner in the bathroom sink. Yes, disgusting I know.

I did attempt to work today but ended up coming home after a couple hours because my stomach just wasn't feeling okay. Assuming I'm not preggo since I just got through an unusually heavy period (sorry, TMI?) but since we have a ton of money in our FSA to use up maybe will meander over to the pharmacy tomorrow "just in case."

Bah, so I've started getting a bit more serious about my current job situation, specifically how to get into a better one. We'll see how it goes, but so far it has just brought back feelings of inadequacy and rejection. Reminds me of why I hated dating. I'm not into the game. I suck at the game. I am gameless. I just want to know if you like me or not. Also, not helping that a job I didn't even think I would be remotely qualified for was presented to me like, "well maybe this would work but I gotta check with The Boss" and now that I have that glimmer of hope I'm like MUST HAVE THAT JOB. PUH-LEEAASE. Will grovel for it maybe?

Dreams, lately my dreams have been...nostalgic. Disturbing. I wake up and hug my husband because nostalgia is overrated and my husband is the best man I've ever had in my life. It's weird when your subconcious is apparently still thinking about shit you thought was behind you. Kind of makes you want to punch your subconcious in the eye except it's just you at the end of the day so that would be counterproductive I guess.

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wingless was still breathing at 9:55 PM - 0 comments

Friday, March 19, 2010

broken hearts become brand new

It's summer in March here in the city. It's awesome. Last Friday? It was storming. Today? Clear blue skies and sunny with just enough of a breeze.

I spent the day lounging in bed and then a nice lunch with the hubby and one of his buddies (who also happens to be a coworker). Ah, I love unused vacation days from the previous year that absolutely MUST be used up by the end of Q1.

The week did not start off so gloriously. Oh wait, it kind of did since I took Monday off too (and this coming Monday too, life is hard I know) but then it took kind of a super crappy turn for the worse when my re-test numbers came back and they were catastrophically awful - awful to the point where my doctor asked me to come into the office even though I couldn't make it in until two hours after his last appointment. Hm, that's never a good sign is it?

And then?

Well, it turns out the results weren't across the board bleak. In fact, upon closer inspection, they were a bit...odd. My blood tests were horrendous, urine test (sorry, tmi?) not so much. In fact, strangely better than the last test. So instead of ramping up the medication like I think everyone (me, my mom and my doc) thought was going to be the inevitable outcome of this emergency visit, instead we did a retest of the retest.

*drumroll please*

ALL tests have significantly improved and most are actually almost back to where I was four months ago when everything was peachy-keen.


My doctor is perplexed. He said the last tech who drew my blood must have somehow screwed up the draw or something happened with the sample. But that still doesn't explain why things are actually better than the original test that kicked off all the drama last month.

The only explanation I can think of is kind of kooky. My mom and aunt have gotten into this chakra healing thing (which is apparently old eastern medicine which has more recently been co-opted by the new age movement) and ever since my bad results they have been doing healing sessions with me, my mom has even been coming into the city once or twice a week. When my mom heard about it from my aunt she got really excited because supposedly a lot of lupus patients have shown a lot of improvement with regular treatments. I went along with it because I figured at the very least it wouldn't hurt anything (basically they sort of meditate with their hands over my energy points).

Anyway, I'm not getting my hopes up too high yet, but I must say, my feet look great. Even after my good results, I still felt like my legs were swelling all week because they felt heavy and bloated. My feet were starting to get discolored. But today my feet look totally normal and my legs feel normal again. Of course, that could be because I spent the bulk of the day laying in bed!

I’ve seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn’t ever end
Even when the sky is falling
And I’ve seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That’s what faith can do


wingless was still breathing at 5:13 PM - 3 comments

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

and i'll praise You in this storm

I got some more bad test results back today and briefly contemplated becoming a dark pit of gloom and doom again. Then decided against it.

Honestly, what's the point? It is what it is. C'est la vie. And stuff.

So I will not be getting pregnant anytime soon. I think I'm ok with that. Heck, at this point my numbers are starting to look so bad that I will be glad if my kidneys come out of this (relatively) unscathed. We are scaling back expectations here at transcended.net okay? Now we are just happy to be alive. Which is how it should be right?

I was sure by now
That You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say "Amen", and it's still raining
As the thunder rolls
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away


wingless was still breathing at 2:56 PM - 0 comments

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

best laid plans

First thing, thank you Todd and Parijat, you have no idea how much your comments have done to lift my spirits.

I really am feeling better today. I had a bit of bloodletting last night, no blood, just lots of tears. I think Paul was caught a bit off guard even though I'm pretty sure he suspected how depressed I've been. When I woke up Monday morning and announced I was not going to work, I woke up several hours later to find him sitting on the couch in his pajamas. Since we both normally have to be coaxed into staying home from work even when feverish and near-death (it's not that we love our jobs but more that we are both sort of workaholics) this was all kind of weird. I got the feeling he did not want to leave me home alone in an apartment full of sharp pointy objects.

Last night I just started crying. Nothing happened. I just couldn't hold it in anymore and it started off as just a tear in my eye and quickly progressed into wailing and gnashing of teeth. Paul handled it perfectly and just held me and didn't say much until I finally unloaded all these feelings of failure and frustration and disappointment on him. Somehow he resisted the male instinct to "fix" things (although maybe in this case all men would wisely realize that would be a Very Bad Idea) and stayed within the realm of just being comforting. Eventually I fell asleep. This morning I woke up and felt better, both physically and mentally, went to work puffy eyes and all. Luckily I work with a bunch of dudes and no one noticed.

I have been having dreams about my ex, The Marine, these last few nights. Nothing inappropriate, he has just been there. They have been unsettling dreams. Not unhappy dreams, but not happy either. Today while my mom and aunt were here doing "energy healing" on me (another story for another day) I think I realized why I've been thinking about him.

I can't say that when he broke up with me it was completely out of the blue. I knew that since he had come home and rejoined "normal" we weren't really on the same page anymore. I think I was still imagining some storybook romance where the hero comes home from war and marries the gal that waited faithfully and then they have two kids, a dog (or cat) and a white picket fence. Okay, so that's not exactly what I had pictured, but I did have a pretty clear picture of my life with him in it. I had A Plan.

So when he clued me into the fact that despite all my best planning, he was not on board with the plan, I was crushed. So crushed I didn't shower, or leave the house, or eat for three days and my best friend had to drive three hundred miles and collect the pieces that were left of me into her car and take me home.

Is it wrong for me to sort of compare these two situations? Not that the whole breakup thing is anywhere near as devastating or traumatizing, but merely to show that I am a Planner and I tend to go ape-shit-bananas when my plans get jacked up. These are the only two times in my life where I felt quite assured that my best laid plan not only made sense but was completely achievable. Only to have my dream beaten to an unrecognizable pulp.

What do you do when life decides it does not care for your Outlook Calendar or your schedule or your timeline or pretty much anything else that helps you feel like you are in control? What do you do when life, like an insolent teenager screams at you "STOP TRYING TO CONTROL ME" and then hurls something at you just for good measure.

All you can do is that. Just stop. After initially falling apart, I quickly realized that my ex did not want what I had planned and there was no reason to agonize over it and sooner rather than later I was over it. My life moved on quickly and part of me was still pissed that the plan was dead, but I knew that soon enough there would surely be a new plan.

What makes this time harder is, I don't know if I have a plan anymore. Or what it is. Or if I should just stick my finger in my ears and go lalalala for now until I've got this all figured out.

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wingless was still breathing at 7:53 PM - 0 comments

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

save me, i'm lost

I am having a really hard time with this. For some reason I feel so much more defeated this time around. I think I am coming to the realization that what I have is not curable. After all this time, after five years, I think part of me was still clinging to the naive hope that I would finish up a course of medication and this would all go away. Like it was a sinus infection or something.

I am just so tired of this. I'm tired of this being part of my life. I'm tired of the fact that I can't just decide to have a child with my husband like millions of other young women my age are doing right now.

I never really grieved when I was diagnosed. I don't know if I felt like I needed to. I don't think I really understood the effect it would have on my life. I knew I was sick, I knew I would need medication, probably for years, but I was so young. I was only twenty-two, just graduated from college, still working my first job. Paul and I weren't even engaged yet, we had only been dating a few months. I wasn't imagining getting pregnant or what it would be like to be a parent with this disease.

I think that is the other thing that has been bothering me lately. I wonder how I can be a parent when I get tired so easily? I wonder how I can stay up all night with a newborn or a sick child when even one night with too little sleep causes me so much pain the next day. How can I do it? Can I do it?

And yet..

I want to be a mother. I want Paul to be a father. He will be an amazingly wonderful father, I know it. And I don't want to feel like I failed him. I don't want to continue failing. It is important to my husband to have biological children (he is very open to adoption but he has always been very honest about his desire to have biological children as well) and I don't think it is wrong for him to feel this way. I know he will love me even if I can't give him biological children, but I don't know if I will ever be able to forgive myself if that happens. If for some reason it turns out that I can never carry children, I will always know that if he had just chosen someone else he would have easily had what he wants.

This time just feels different. This "flare" feels like a wake up call. I'm helpless in all of this. The doctors don't really know what they're doing, at this point I probably know almost as much as they do about this disease. This may never go away.

All I can do is pray it does. Pray for supernatural healing.

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wingless was still breathing at 5:28 PM - 2 comments

Sunday, February 21, 2010

the pee has hit the fan

I am so disappointed tonight. In myself. In my body. For something I'm not even sure I really have any control over. But I still feel like I've failed somehow.

I got the results of my urinalysis back tonight (6pm Sunday evening, I love that they post the results online) and as expected, they look...bad. Pretty bad. Kind of downright awful and now I'm really dreading the blood test results (which will probably come back tomorrow). I'm also really dreading my doctors appointment tomorrow, it feels like I've just failed a math test and I have a meeting with the teacher or something.

It's so hard to express just how frustrated and disappointed I am right now. How hard it is to live with this stupid invisible disease. Being sick on the inside and looking fine on the outside makes it so people have no understanding at all on how painful it can be, both mentally and physically. I am crestfallen, I feel like I've failed and now I'm wondering if I will ever be able to get pregnant and have biological children.

We're supposed to go on a trip up to Tahoe with some friends in a couple week and I really don't want to go because I think this is a critical time for my body in terms of healing. I don't think I should be going up into high elevations which strains me during the best of times, and of course there will be a lot of drinking and staying up late and physical exertion. We will probably cancel and it's stupid but my main concern right now is, what will we tell people? People look at me and I seem to be perfectly healthy, because I can be most of the time, it's hard to explain why I have to be so careful without feeling like an invalid.

I don't even know what I'm trying to say right now, I think I just have all this pent up frustration about living with this damn disease and the lack of understanding there is in the general population of what it is and what people with lupus can and can't do.

I've always experienced this fear about telling people because I don't want them to think I am a liability at work (I'm not) or that it affects my career in any way (it doesn't and won't). But then when I'm pushed to do the same things as other people my age (go out, take trips, etc.) I don't know what to say. Because I do have to be so much more careful and aware...

And now I'm just freaked out over this whole trying to have a baby thing. Sigh. I'm trying to see the silver lining in this as being able to focus on adopting our first child rather than getting pregnant with one, but I'm also kind of sick of always having to find the silver lining in shit.

I wish I was a little kid so I could lie on the floor and cry and pound my fists and yell about how unfair this all is. I guess this blog will just have to suffice.

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wingless was still breathing at 7:38 PM - 2 comments

Friday, February 19, 2010


This week was the longest short week ever. And since I took Tuesday off, it was only a three day week for me, and yet somehow it felt like it was six days long. Funny how that is.

I was looking for some old posts about Valentine's day and in going through my archives I realized that it's been just a little over five years now since I was first diagnosed with lupus. Crazy. It feels like it's been a part of my life forever and yet when I think back really hard, I remember I had twenty-two years PL (pre-lupus). I remember what it was like to live life as a young person and not to think so hard about your body all the time.

Physically, this week has been a rough one. Maybe it was all the stress I let build up last week over work and The Snub. But this week was really hard. I slept a decent amount in Vegas, we never stayed out past midnight and I took baths and let myself sleep in til ten in the morning. Ten! Waking up for our early flight Tuesday morning was rough, but I got home and slept until I had to go tutor at 3pm and I was still exhausted. I can just feel something in my joints. I can feel something is not quite right.

I tried to lie to myself last week after I couldn't get a good bp reading. I was like, I do everything right! I don't party, I eat okay, I don't smoke, I get my eight hours every night...But okay, I do have a glass of wine more often than I should. Which really is probably the last really bad thing I do to my body that I really shouldn't be doing. For lent I decided to give up soda, and not for lent, but just for me, I plan to quit drinking for awhile too. Don't get me wrong, I'm not an alcoholic, I don't drink every day or feel the need to drink every day. But I'll have a couple of glasses of wine a few times a week or more than that when I am with friends who are drinking, and with my pre-existing condition, I do feel like it could be negatively impacting my health more than it would for someone without this condition.

Maybe I can't control this, but I guess I still feel like maybe I can and I have to try.


wingless was still breathing at 3:43 PM - 0 comments

Thursday, February 18, 2010


Ugh. I hope I'm being paranoid, I really do. I think my feet are starting to swell. They're not really swollen, but they definitely don't feel or look right.

Did you know when you are swollen your limbs will likely look weirdly shiny? And you will feel strangely squishy?

Probably not. But that's okay. I don't want you to know what it looks or feels like. I just wish I didn't either.


wingless was still breathing at 8:56 PM - 0 comments

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

testing, testing

It must have been August 2007. I can't believe it's been two and a half years. I think that was the last really bad flare I had (excluding a mini-flare that next spring).

My feet swelled up to the point where I couldn't fit them in my shoes and the skin was stretched so tight it ached. My blood pressure sky-rocketed. At one point I think I gained about forty pounds in water weight. It was ridiculous. And also kind of gross.

For awhile I was really good about taking my blood pressure at least a few times a week (yes, just like your grandmother probably does) and then eventually I just stopped worrying about it. Last week is the first time I've had a bad reading in months, maybe years and since then I haven't had one really good reading. And I'm scared shitless. It might all be in my head but I have just felt *off* since then. I feel like I'm swelling up even though I'm not. I have headaches. My skin feels tingly and sometimes my hands feel numb.

Yes, it's probably in my head.

But I don't think the high blood pressure is. I'm getting my bloodwork done this weekend and I'm really scared to see the results. I keep telling myself it is what it is and there's nothing I can do about it at this point. But I'm praying that I'm wrong and that I am pleasantly surprised. If not, then maybe this is God pushing me to explore something else for now.

A perfect example of how impatient I am, I'm tempted to go to the clinic ahead of schedule and get my tests done early just because I hate waiting!

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wingless was still breathing at 7:14 PM - 0 comments

Thursday, December 17, 2009

aww you guys are THE BEST

Not to be a constant downer or anything, but I have been sick for like going on three weeks now and it really sucks. I'm actually pretty cheered up today by the fact that Jon and Dan still visit (Hi Jon and Dan!) and somehow Dan managed to find my RSS feed which is really quite a shock since I didn't even know I had one. You really do learn something new every day.

But alas, I'm still sick. And I've been sick since before I took my CFA test a couple weeks ago and studiously avoided the doctor for as long as I possibly could. Part of it was that I really was super busy trying to do all that last minute cramming and the other part of it is that every time I get really sick, my bloodwork seems to go downhill and my doctor gets all concerned and it basically leads to me not having my meds decreased. Which is not what I want right now. More on that later.

Then one day last week my coworker called in sick and later that day announced via frantic phone call that he was possibly being diagnosed with The Dreaded Swine (Flu). At which point my brain started to recall the whole "if you have a chronic illness contracting swine flu could very well kill you" which was followed by a lot of panicking and leaving voicemails with my doctor's nurse (of course it was his day off). The next morning I was chastised by the nurse who basically commanded me to go see a doctor like five minutes ago and when I protested that I could not leave work because of my filthy diseased coworker who had possibly infected me with his germy little self, I was sternly told that I was PLAYING WITH MY LIFE HERE and basically she would not hang up until I promised to make an appointment with an emergency clinic in the city.

So I did, got some flu medicine and then spent the weekend feeling even worse with a low fever that simply would not go away. I've been feeling better and worse depending on the time of day (usually better in the mornings and worse in the afternoons) but I'm *hoping* I might finally be turning a corner. I am scheduled for blood tests this weekend and a visit with my specialist on Monday so I'm keeping my fingers crossed that this illness hasn't wiped out all the positive progress of this past year....


Well, I have some goals for the coming years. Goals that for most people would seem within the realm of their control but feel oddly out of mine. One, I'm hoping to be promoted. Okay, so I guess this is not really something most people can control, but I feel like it's especially out of my hands because of the industry I'm in and the fact that openings for the position I want is rare in the best of market conditions and are pretty much non-existent in the current environment. I kind of feel lucky just for the fact that I can even imagine the possibility of being promoted into this position, but since I tend to be the type of person who is never satisfied, eh I'm not satisfied. I don't mean to sound ungrateful, I know how hard ANY job is to come by right now, but I just...want...more. You know?

And the other thing...the thing more directly related to my whole fear of going to the doctor...which also seems entirely incongruous with my "I want to be promoted" goal...I'd really love to get to a point physically where my doctor doesn't blanch when I bring up the possibility of maybe, possibly having a baby, like sort of soonish.

All this may not be the best idea considering I discovered MOLD in my cat's water cup the other day and wasn't sure how long it'd been there since I usually fill it while half asleep in the dark before work. So yeah, my furbaby has been possibly drinking moldy water for the last who knows how many days. Clearly I'm going to be a great, attentive mother right?

There's a lot more I have to say about this but alas it is now late and unfortunately not Friday (i.e. I must drag my happy ass out of bed long before the sunrises). I'm starting to feel a bit loopy now from the cough syrup w/codeine mixed with amb*ien and it's probably just better if I stop here for now.

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wingless was still breathing at 4:37 PM - 3 comments

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

my own worst enemy

That is just my utter and complete failure.

Wow, I have no idea where that came from. I'm pretty sure it didn't come out right, but I was sleep-blogging so who knows? Maybe I really am just that hard on myself. I think I was referencing my utter and complete failure in terms of studying.

Because, um, yeah. Utter and complete failure? About sums that up.

I haven't been feeling right lately. Emotionally or physically, though with me they can be tied together. My feet were aching like crazy with arthritis this morning, though they're starting to feel better now. I think it's because it's starting to get cold here. Emotionally, I just feel like I've been sucker punched by life. No particular reason, just tired and a little bit bitter.

I don't want things to change. I don't want things to stay the same. I just want to be happy where I am.

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wingless was still breathing at 5:37 PM - 0 comments

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Day 7: I made it!

Oh my God I am tired. I am getting sick. The cat is sick, diarrhea, wheezing, her first time being sick =( And I am exhausted.

I used to have no qualms about staying home sick. That was Before. Before I became all hyper-competitive-I-have-to-prove-myself-ambitious. I am not deathly ill, but something is definitely brewing and before I would have been okay with staying home and allowing myself to heal before heading back to work. Now? I don't know. I took two days off a couple months ago when I was having those strange chest pains that (luckily) never turned into anything.

Maybe I'm hypersensitive to these things because of my past health issues, but I pretty much do everything I can to show people how I don't have health problems and am every bit as capable of working every bit as hard as everyone else. It's kind of a sore spot for me.

In other news, I haven't had my toenails cut in two months. Hmm...

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wingless was still breathing at 6:58 PM - 0 comments

Saturday, August 08, 2009

long day

Is it really August already? Really?

I've felt like crap all day today. Too much to drink last night + period cramps starting first thing in the morning = all bad.

I don't think I feel very good about myself or my life right now. Whenever I'm hit by a wave of this self-loathing I have this inner dialogue with myself where I tell myself tomorrow will be better and I will be a better person tomorrow. I will make myself be better somehow. I will be kinder, more thoughtful, less bitter and angry. Yadda yadda. Inevitably, I fail.

I have to stop letting every little thing stress me out. I have to quit being so inside my own head. Over-analyzing every little thing. Second-guessing every word out of my mouth. I'm twenty-seven years old, when am I going to get comfortable in my own skin?

How will it suddenly happen after a lifetime of the opposite? How ironic that I am in sales and sometimes all I want to do is hide in a dark corner where I don't have to face anyone. Because sometimes I just hate myself that much.

And I'm so terrified of no one else but me
And I'm here all the time
So I won't go away
Well it's me, yeah well I can't get myself to go away
Yeah it's me, yeah well I can't get myself to go away
Oh God I shouldn't feel this way no

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wingless was still breathing at 9:13 PM - 0 comments

Thursday, July 30, 2009

a little unwell

This has not been a good week for me in terms of my health. Last Saturday I went hiking with my mom, sister and Paul and although I did wear sunscreen and a big floppy hat, being caught out in the summer sun with long stretches of no shade was just not a good idea. Since I actually didn't feel very sick while I was out there I was hoping it would be okay, but this week I've been noticing some mild arthritis which I haven't really had for months. I've also been having some mysterious pain in my left ribcage which radiates through to my back. Hoping that it's nothing more than gas/IBS since it's intermittent and never lasts more than a few minutes at a time. It has been bad enough that it woke me up once this week and some of the episodes have been painful enough that I've felt like throwing up. I also have a sinus infection that I can't seem to get rid of which has been giving me sinus headaches all week.

So because of all of this I've called in sick yesterday and today because I really don't want this to escalate into a full on flare. I'm hoping that if I just get some rest and try to take care of this I can nip it in the bud. My doctor has finally starting decreasing my meds in the hopes that I can be drug-free by the spring but I'm pretty sure if things flare up right now that will not happen. Which is really depressing. Because it will probably push being able to even start thinking about getting pregnant out into 2011 or beyond.

I'm just feeling really blech. I hate being sick in the summertime.


wingless was still breathing at 2:32 PM - 0 comments

Monday, July 20, 2009


I was going to try to write something deep and meaningful, a recollection on my life and it's meaning. Undoubtedly to be topped with a cheery of "I would never have it any other way." And instead I don't now. Am I where I wanted to be? Am? I? Happy Birthday to me but let's write something logical at some point...maybe tomorrow...maybe not...

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wingless was still breathing at 7:49 PM - 2 comments

Wednesday, July 15, 2009


Last week I told Paul I felt like I was losing it. Mentally. Emotionally. In general. I was tired, exhausted and just sick of going about my daily activities.

He offered to cook me dinner, take me out on the town to cheer me up, forgo a trip to Costco since I didn't feel like it. And then he told me that it was okay, it was just my once a quarter funk.

What do you mean? I asked him.

Apparently I get depressed once a quarter. Gee, here I thought I was all moody and unpredictable and shit. Or at the very least, I figured he'd refer to it as my once a month funk, if you know what I mean. But no, he said it's definitely once a quarter.

The more I think about it, the more I think he might be right. But this time has been a bit different because it isn't going away. I've caught myself making mistakes at work, which drives me nuts because that's just not how I roll. I am ridiculously anal when it comes to my job and that's what makes me so good at it.

And then there's this cold I can't shake. I can't get the right amount of sleep where I don't feel tired, foggy and red-eyed all the time. I don't know what's wrong with me.

It's not about not having anything to do either. Oh Lord, do I have things to do. I have a nine to ten hour a day job. I have the CFA to study for - only 249 more hours to go (and yes, that's out of the recommended 250 hours). I am trying to learn VBA because go figure, programming is important if you want to get ahead in finance. I just ordered The Handbook of Fixed Income Securities because, you know, it just looks like it might be a thrilling read (yes that was sarcastic). Oh and I have this husband who likes to hang out with me from time to time too.

Maybe it's a blessing in disguise that I'm not medically cleared to start trying to get pregnant, because if I was I'm sure I'd pressure Paul into getting pregnant NOW and then I'd be screwed. Har har. Yeah. It's better this way.

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wingless was still breathing at 5:28 PM - 0 comments

Monday, July 13, 2009

in lieu of a post, a list

I was going to write some stuff about work but I'm not really sure what I want to say or how to say it without sounding like an ungrateful brat simply for the fact that I do still have a job and a pretty good one at that. So we'll leave that for another day and for now, some random thoughts I had today...

1. Why does my cat always smell so wonderfully clean and like she just had a bath even though she washes herself with her own spit?

2. My dad performed at a farmer's market here in the city yesterday and brought us a bunch of fresh (and free!) fruit from the vendors. Including some raspberries. I ate three quarters of the basket before finding a small white worm crawling on top of one, after which I promptly threw the rest away. Now I have that song stuck in my head, nobody likes me, everybody hates me, guess I'll eat some worms. Sigh. I'm pretty sure it's in my head but I feel things crawling around inside me. It probably doesn't help that I've been watching that new Animal Planet show about parasites.

3. For months now I've been feeling completely exhausted. I seem to sleep both too much (on the weekends) and too little (weekdays). I don't do well with coffee (I hate that jittery feeling and it gives me stomach aches), I've tried tea but I'm not sure it's really doing anything.

4. I think I actually want to watch the new Harry Potter movie in theaters. And I hate theaters. And crowds. And going out in general. So that's really something.

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wingless was still breathing at 7:41 PM - 0 comments

Friday, May 15, 2009

Happy Friday!

Feeling under the weather and really, really exhausted. Don't have much to say except Star Trek the movie was awesome and you should definitely go see it.

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wingless was still breathing at 3:48 PM - 0 comments

Thursday, April 30, 2009

swine flu: coming soon to an investment bank near you!

So the boyfriend of a woman in my office works for one of our competitors. Today they received confirmation that someone in their office has swine flu and the office is being shutdown until Tuesday. Which if you know anything about working for an investment bank is just nuts. People in my office have come in with pneumonia before for goodness sake...

Anyway, apparently people in hazmat suits invaded our competitors office and everyone was evacuated and there was utter craziness going on over there. Which, I guess, means more business for us until Tuesday.

Unfortunately for my office (including me), the woman lives with her boyfriend and so you see where this is leading, don't you? Yes, we are all going to get swine flu and it is going to suck. And then I'll probably give it to Paul who will spread it to his office, and forget subprime mortgages, swine flu will end up being the downfall of Wall Street.

So I am dreading going to work tomorrow, which honestly doesn't make sense because, let's face it, we've all already been exposed considering that person was just a confirmed case of swine flu today but has presumably been going to work all the while and my coworker has been sharing an apartment with her contaminated boyfriend and coming to work and contaminating all of us...Oh God, I don't feel so good...

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wingless was still breathing at 8:40 PM - 0 comments

Thursday, April 23, 2009

girl talk (seriously the men probably want to avert their eyes)

So I'm somewhere between five to seven days late. Not quite sure because my cycle can normally be anywhere from 30 to 32 days long. What does this mean? Honestly, probably nothing. My cycle can be wonky and with the added stress of this house buying business I think my body is just throwing a tantrum. Also, I'm so pumped full of drugs even the mosquitoes won't bite me anymore.

I should probably be clear, Paul and I are not trying, in fact as much as I would love to start a family ASAP, we are actively preventing that from happening right now. My doctor recommends we wait as long as possible so I can be weaned off my meds on a timeline that I find far too cautious (i.e. slow). Not only are some of the meds extremely harmful to any potential baby that will have to live in my womb for nine months but even just being pregnant could lead to potentially serious complications (for both me and the pregnancy). I have been told in no uncertain terms that no matter how long I've been in remission, any pregnancy will be considered a high-risk one, monitored closely by a high-risk ob and probably a team of other types of doctors.

Which is funny (no, not really) since I am actually fine right now, health-wise, and have needed very little monitoring since the Q3 2008.

Anyway all of this puts me in the very awkward position of desperately wanting to be pregnant and have a baby, like now, while simultaneously making sure we take every precaution to prevent that exact thing from happening. And even though I'm sure this is probably nothing (yes, I did take an HPT today, it was negative) part of me is wondering what will happen if it isn't nothing. If it is in fact, something. Like a human being. In my uterus.

Part of me would certainly be overjoyed, but the other part? Terrified. Sad. Freaked the eff out.

Because as much as I do want a baby, it's more important to me to give that baby the best chance it has at being healthy and "normal."

You know, this is probably the only part about my condition that I have a really hard time accepting. In fact, for the most part, I've learned to see my condition as a blessing, something that makes me appreciate what a lot of young, healthy people don't. When things are good, like now, I don't take the little things like being able to hold a tooth brush or walking up a flight of stairs for granted. I take better care of myself because I have to and I feel good about it because I hope it means I'm protecting my body for the future. But as a young married woman, I just can't seem to get over the fact that my disease has made something so instinctive so utterly complicated. I can imagine myself as a normal, healthy person and I would feel nothing but overjoyed at the idea of being pregnant right now. But instead of being that person, I'm the person who has just written a long and rambly post about wanting to be something that I might be, and yet not being able to be happy about possibly being exactly what I want to be (huh??).

Maybe I lost you there. Don't worry, I lost myself too. Let's all just hope I get my period tonight and this post becomes just another one of those overly-revealing posts that I'll blush about tomorrow.

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wingless was still breathing at 6:48 PM - 0 comments

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